Friday, December 17, 2010

Just don't give a fuck

So once again I've opened up too soon and it came back to bite me in the ass.  I feel as though the only thing I can take away from this whole experience is to just become a complete bitch to everyone.  I'm always so concerned with people liking me, that was the old me.  The old me is gone with the wind.  I'm tired of getting hurt by people.  My nerves are frayed, my mind is blurred and I just cannot take it anymore.  I don't care who does or does not like me anymore.  From now on I'm going to tell people exactly how I feel whether it hurts their feelings or not.  People obviously don't care about hurting me, so why should I give a fuck about hurting them?  I was always so concerned with who is being fake to me and who isn't.  Well, if I'm completely closed off from people it won't matter who is being fake.  I know I've said I felt this way before but this time I've finally snapped.  The only people who deserve any respect from me are my husband and my family.  A few in particulars deserve a little more than others but that is my business to decide.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.

Friday, November 5, 2010


My husband has decided to reconcile with his old friend that he has not spoken to in about a year.  I also decided its no fun to hold on to old grudges over petty little things.  To be honest I don't think I can really remember why we have not spoken with him in a year.  I feel that it should be on a probationary period, I still don't like to be made a fool of.  I'm hoping this doesn't prove to be just a lateral move.  We went to a party at his and his girlfriend's apartment and had a pretty good time.  I quite like her, she's a sweet girl.  I'm reminding myself to keep a distance because we don't plan to stay in Rome much longer so there really is no point in getting all worked up over nothing.  We've also seen where this has lead to before with my husband's friends' girlfriends.  I'm not in the mood to be let down by anyone at this point.  I guess the best thing for me to do is keep my distance and just see what happens.  I think sometimes I really overthink things and don't just let them happen. 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My brave face

Its been a very trying past few weeks.  The pontiac broke down, we had to buy a new car.  In the meantime directly after we already spent the money on a brand new car my husband's dad decided to get the pontiac fixed.  On the bright side: we now have 2 cars.  One the other hand: our insurance is going up and we have an expensive car to pay off.  We decided on a 2010 Toyota Carrolla.  She's beautiful and I named her Helena.  Its been slightly stressful trying to figure out the new budget and stick to it.  I just wish I could get my husband to understand we need to be sure to stick to this or we're gonna end up broke.  I also really need to step it up at work and make more sales.  I need to get my own business off the ground and get some out of store makeovers.  Its really the difference between $8 per makeover and $30 per makeover.  I just need to figure something out to get more money. 

Lately I've been very emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of being sad and trying to keep on a brave face.  My husband doesn't know how to control himself and is constantly falling to pieces so I have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I just want to be the designated basket case.  I don't think my husband picks up on it but my depression has gotten to the point where I really don't get out of bed unless its to go to work. I sleep because even if I'm having a nightmare its better than the reality of my life.  I barely eat and the house work has gone to hell.  I was feeling pretty manic a couple Saturdays ago so I put my energy to good use and cleaned the entire apartment.  It feels like every time I turn around something new crops up for me to be stressed out about.  I never really want to do anything but I push myself.  I feel like I need a hobby something more than makeup but I feel like if I put too much energy into something that isn't making money I'm just wasting my time.  I just need something to distract me. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Mistakes Made, Never Forgotten

Its funny how one mistake can change your life forever.  One simple little action without thought can strip you of everything you hold dear.  I so badly want my old life back.  The fun times, the companionship.  I really miss everyone and everything.  My time and energy has been so wasted these past months because of how much I focus on the sadness.  I still don't even feel like the time has passed. The worst part is its not just one stupid mistake.  It was a bunch of mistakes leading up to one very big one.  I used to spend a lot of time treating people very badly and not thinking before reacting.  I kept getting away with it because it was such small petty stuff people just over looked it and forgave me.  Finally I just couldn't get away with it anymore.  I feel at this point even if they did somehow find a way to forgive me, it won't ever be forgotten.  Sometimes I loathe social networking because there are some of my old friends who my stupidness didn't affect however, because they are so much closer with those it did I barely talk to them.  I still cannot find it in me to delete them from my life.  My hope for friendship renewal is fading with every passing day, I'm getting older and its getting harder to find friends who aren't married or have kids.  Not that if I did find new friends I would miss my old friends any less.  They were a huge part of my life and always will be.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Being forgotten by someone I'll never forget

Lately I've been very emotional.  I've really been missing my former bff.  We had a really tough parting of the ways a little over 2 years ago.  I made a huge mistake, took too long and now I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I really want to make things right, but I just don't know what to do and feel like he just doesn't care to make things better between us.  We got together last November and agreed that we're ok with eachother but never really came to a full conclusion.  I feel like at this point I either need to move on or completely reconcile.  I don't want to be bitter towards him or anything but I feel like any time he messages me just to ask me some stupid question its like heartbreaking to know I'm not going to be hanging out with him.  I really wish I had someone to talk to about this.  My husband is too busy playing video games, besides the fact that he's been hearing the same story for the past year and a half.  All my new friends are too new to open up to like that, and my family just doesn't get it.  I miss having him there on holidays, and just being there with me all the time.  We literally went from pretty much being together everyday to a screeching halt and not even talking for almost 2 years.  I think I've just spent too much time and too many tears on this and it needs to come to a head.  I just want closure.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Letting Out My Demons

Today was a slightly emotional day.  The husband's birthday was today and I had to work so I was already slightly unhappy.  I wanted to spend time with him but he wound up spending his birthday bringing his car to Pepboys and walking to the mall.  We had a nice lunch together but I wish I could have made it a special day for him.  We planned on going to a water park some time this week but the weather where we live is super unpredictable and its tough to plan something like this.  I asked my two older nieces to come along with us and at first they were ok with coming but since the plans changed so many times they decided to back out from going.  A misunderstanding happened and I felt as though they just didn't want to go, and blah blah.  I still feel that way a bit however, I have to remember that teenagers have lives beyond family. 

It seems strange but the new episode of Holly's World tugged a little on my heart.  Last year I had a very special birthday party planned, not that it was a particularly special birthday for me it was just timing.  My mother gets free nights at the local casino/hotel and at the time they allowed you to bring your own alcohol into the building.  So we planned something big.  I invited my best friend but she used her 1 year old child as an excuse to not come.  I was watching Holly's World and Angel left her son for a few days to get a breast augmentation.  It just aggravates me that my "best friend" could say its because of her child that she couldn't be there for me for 1 night on the single most important day of the year but this girl can leave her child for a few day for something as frivolous as a boob job. 

I guess it wasn't too much to complain about I mean if this is the worst of my troubles I guess I have a pretty good life, but I just needed to get things off my chest.  I can't stand it when my thoughts keep me from sleep.

Friday, July 23, 2010

If you really knew me, you would know ...

...There are so many things I wish I could say

...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to

...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening

...I desperately want to be accepted

...I am afraid that I will not win this battle

...I still don't know who I am

...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving

...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.  The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is

...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems

...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard

...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep

...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel

...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me

...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with

...No one could put me down worse than I do myself.  I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself

...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.

...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine

...Sometimes I cry when no one is around

...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results

...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway

...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone

...I am unable to see my potential

...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about

...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes

...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head

...I blame myself for being raped

...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me

...I long to have a close relationship with my family

...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband

...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head

...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world

...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences

...I feel there's an empty hole inside me

...I hate being so emotional

...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail

...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities

...I need help believing in myself

...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider

...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of

...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy

...I always feel like a burden

...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me

...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied

...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be

...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Job Dilemma

Recently a couple people at my workplace have been told that our jobs come before our families.  I'm not the only person who feels this is wrong.  One girl actually quit.  I feel as though I'm in a different position than most of the girls there though.  Many of the girls have the job as just a way to get through school or are looking for better things.  Cosmetology is my chosen profession.  I don't plan to be in the same store for the rest of my life, eventually I would like to work in an actual salon or start my own business.  However, working here does give me a nice leg up in the world.  Paid training, lots of experience and it looks really good as part of my resume.  I cannot work under conditions that my managers think that it is tolerable to say this place comes before everything in my life, which is not true.  Another girl was told she had to rearrange her schedule for college next semester, which is not an option for her.  So now she is being forced to choose between work and school? Unacceptable.  Sitting around complaining to eachother is not going to get us anywhere.  I feel that if we band together we can make a change, however no one wants to make waves, including myself, whose to know if it will or will not mean major repercussions for all of us.  I really cannot think of any better stand to take than to quit and state that this is the reason.  Be that as it may many people have already done this many times in the past and obviously nothing has changed.  I'm thinking an anonymous letter to corporate is the only route to take.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Time to move on

I used to tell myself, regret nothing because at one point it was something you wanted.  However, I cannot help but regret so many of my past decisions.  Besides the obvious horrible exboyfriends, and bad haircuts I truely regret having hurt so many people.  I mostly regret hurting the one person in the world who's love I've never had to question.  I also regret hurting my best friend, we may have had our moments but I completely screwed him all because of my stupid self indulgent lies. 

My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be.  I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with.  I guess thats just the curse of having cheated.  I sometimes wish I had my old friends back.  I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes.  I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them.  I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Maria, Count Me Out

Dear *****,

I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring.  I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart.  I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty.  I cannot help myself.  As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world.  After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one.  I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.

I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now.  This is all coming from me.  As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision.  Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me.  I finally made a choice to ask people.  I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different.  I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way.  I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having.  I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give.  S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her.  T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true.  M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view.  I remember you telling me a story about J*****.  How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them.  S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation.  Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa.  I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it.  J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father."  J***** went against her mother to do you a service.  As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one.  I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me.  You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that.  Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well.  I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.

I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act.  I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you.  You seem to want to blame the world for your problems.  Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault.  You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.  I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.

I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.


Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for. 

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


My life is finally looking up.  Well other than the fact that I broke my nail at the gym today, but if thats the least of my worries right now, I'll take it!  I finally got a job.  I found out yesterday I've been hired for the Macy's cosmetics counter.  I'm very excited because I will get to learn about new products and techniques.  On my last weigh in I found that I have collectively lost 16 lbs since March.  I have only 30 lbs for my June goal, and 60lbs to my overall goal.  Progress is progress.  I just can't wait to be able to wear skinny jeans.  I am also glad to announce I have been drama free since my last blog. Not much to really talk about, I guess.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network.  I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy.  I walked in and everything was business as usual.  I figured he was talking to one of the regulars.  Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog.  I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much.  I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance.  This person hurt me very deeply.  I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.)  Instead of defending me he rolled over.  If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face.  Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend.  I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious.  I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away.  Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me.  WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it.  It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel.  I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it.  I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to.  I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me.  Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger.  I crave that feeling of closeness.  Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind.  Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok. 

Friday, April 16, 2010


I long to be more creative.  I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to.  I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create.  Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping.  I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short.  Here is what I came up with.

Those are the best of what I got.  I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better.  I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end.  If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.

I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it.  Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write.  I feel like a small worm on a big hook.  My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem.  Easier said than done.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser.  I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?

I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange.  I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice.  It told me to look for a specific person.   I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me.  I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried.  I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone.  I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it.  That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason.  When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside.  I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in.  I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins. 

Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins.  I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found.  Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death.  When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried. 

This very much fits my current situations.  The depression is very obvious.  I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job.  I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time.  The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove.  However, there has not been any closure on either situation.  All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends.  Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed.  I also feel this way about another of my friends.  He moved to NC with his "fiance."  Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him.  Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them.  He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them.  This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day.  I still remember the first day I met her.  She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory.  Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way.  Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now?  Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore.  We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network.  Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts.  Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble.  I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there.  I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did.  Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being.  I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better.  Hopefully these dreams will not continue.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Gossip Mill

The husband came home from work yesterday with a very sly grin on his face.  I asked him what his deal was and he replied "I know something you don't know."  I was to say the least quite intrigued by what info he may have.  He told me that my now former best friend and her boyfriend have broken up.  I'm not exactly happy it happened, but I do feel that she had this coming.  I don't think this has anything to do with why I have not heard from her since this is a recent development, so I really hope she doesn't think I'll feel sorry for her.  I have spent far too much of my time worrying about why she won't call, txt, or BBM me.  She's made her bed, and now she has to lay in it.  I'm becoming increasingly happy with where my life is headed.  If I could just find a job. 

On to politics.  Our great nation has finally received a health care reform.  I know, its not perfect and it will not fix everything but I feel positive about how this will affect all of us.  There will be an emphasis on physical, mental and female health.  It also widens the range of patients that the government can provide healthcare to.  Another good point is that there will be a new tax credit for small business employers who provide healthcare, which creates an incentive.  I really don't know exactly what my in-laws are so against. 

Question: why is there so much emphasis on the census this year?  Do we really have to fill it out?  What would happen if I don't answer correctly or honestly? Will the feds be after me?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hint Taken

I finally decided to take the advice of those around me.  I have assessed my life and decided to remove those who I have tried to contact but refuse to contact me back.  I am not going to sit here and wait for those people to come around.  Obviously they no longer want me as part of their lives, so why should I worry about them?  Don't get me wrong, it took me some time to come to terms with having to do it, and it hurts to let go of more people, but I felt that it had to be done. 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Untitled Blog Updating You About Me

Lately I've not gotten any responses from my "best friend."  I'm not sure what exactly is going on and I suspect that everything is not ok between us.  I wouldn't know because as I stated I don't get responses.  When something seems amiss with this friend I usually get excuses.  I'm sure that when I finally do get an answer its going to be something along the lines of "school" or "work."  If the reality is what I'm suspecting it is then I would hope she would not even attempt to insult my intelligence.  I hope she will just nut up and tell me what's really going on.  If our friendship is over then I will be hurt because while it lasted it was a pretty good one, but at least I'll know exactly what the problem is and I can have closure on the situation.  The husband tells me it seems as though she's cutting me out, and I should take it one step further and cut her out by deleting her from all my social networking.  However, I feel like that's juvenile and I should try to keep contacting her and find out what the problem is.  On the other hand when you've been messaging someone for 2 months and not getting any response trying to contact turns into stalking.  Maybe it is time to just let go of another one. 

On the family side of things I've been spending most of my time with the only sister I can actually stand.  Which is funny because she's the only sister I've ever used the word "hate" about.  I don't think she's actively trying to help me but whether she knows it or not she really is.  She's been keeping me grounded and from completely breaking down.  I haven't had a panic attack in quite a few days, and she's been making me walk in the mornings with her and her dog.  I've already started feeling better about my body but I feel that I have a long way to go before I can really say I'm completely happy with my physique.  I'm just glad that in all the troubling time I'm going through I really have someone to lean on who isn't going to abandon when she decides I'm no longer good enough to be her friend.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Loose-Knit Family

I feel like my father breaking his hip was a blessing in disguise.  Ever since the day he went into the hospital my family and I have been spending more and more time together.  I feel as though we're all in a pretty good place with eachother.  Don't get me wrong, there is still the occasional "she said/that bitch said" situation but its a little more quietly taken care of than it used to be.  I've always felt a certain distance between my family.  I guess the generation gaps between my sisters and I don't exactly help with that.  I was what most people call a change of life baby.  I don't like to be refered to as an accident, or surprise.  I was adopted.  No, I was not planned on either end of it, I just hate both of those words.  Two of my sisters were planned adoption, and the other two were planned pregnancy.  I always felt a slight bit as though I was an obligation.  I was taken from a bad situation and brought into a good family with a mother and father and four sisters.  The picture perfect family.  (Funny how we don't have even one family portrait.)  I don't think my teenage rebellion years were the best remedy either.  I went through the "goth" phase, and decided my friends were more important to be around (look where that got me.)  I felt that my family was pushy and overbearing.  I never wanted to have anything to do with them so I would smear on black lipstick and run out of the house before anyone could say anything to me.  I know the exact day that changed.  It was my oldest sister's birthday and I came home from a morning coffee run with my friends.  I had to be home, it was one of the few reasons I felt that I did.  I said in my usual holier than thou tone "I can only stay for a while, my friends are waiting for me at Harley's house."  My mother said "whatever" and walked away.  For the first time I felt like my family didn't care what I did, and the strange thing was it hurt.  I didn't understand the feeling so I just left.  Slowly after that incident I started coming around more often and trying to get closer with my family.  The final straw was when I met my husband.  My whole family agrees that he brings the best out of me.  I still don't feel like I've really accomplished much, but the prediction my family had for me was that I was going to die at a young age in a dirty bathtub with a needle in my arm (not that I ever did those kind of drugs, but my family didn't know me very well.)  I guess I'm doing much better than they [and I] thought I would be.  Thriving and actually able to pay my own bills. 

Just recently my parents' 50th anniversary passed and I spent a good portion of the day shopping for a gift and laughing with my second oldest sister.  A very unlikely scenario had this been a year ago or even 3 months ago.  It felt good.  So this brings me to my question ...why am I so depressed?

Growing Strange

This is a story I heard in Wristcutters: A Love Story.  I felt it was worth sharing. 

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree.  They grew next to each other.  Everyday the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say "You're crooked!  You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked!"  "Look at me!  Look at me!" said the straight tree.  "I'm tall and I'm straight!"  Then one day the lumber jacks came into town, they looked around and the manager in charge said "Cut down all the straight trees!"  And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Family Values

Visiting my dad in the nursing home is always a learning experience.  Last night after our visit I decided to go to dinner with my sister and mother.  We were ribbing my mother about how she's been acting since our father broke his hip.  She's been attentive and just completely unlike herself.  Growing up I always thought my parents hated eachother and could never for the life of me understand why they would stay married, however I did revel in the fact that I was the only person among my friends who's parents were still married.  I learned about divorce at a very young age and just wondered why other people would do that, why not do what my parents did?  Separate beds sounded like a great idea.  Then the separate bedroom thing happened and I wondered why my parents didn't just follow the rest of the world and get divorced.  I decided to embrace the quirk in my family and make jokes about it.  Meanwhile the rest of my family was keeping secrets from me.  Since I was so much younger than the rest of my sisters I was a little slow on the uptake when it came to just about anything.  People would always stop talking when I came in the room or speak in hushed tones.  Sometimes I picked up on things, mostly dirty jokes, sometimes I was too involved with my barbie dolls to care about whatever the secret was.  Now that I'm grown people are becoming more bold about talking about things in front of me.  The problem is not only am I in the know about the present but a multitude of secrets are being let loose.  It is becoming a lot to take in and not helping with my depression and anxiety. 

I'm not actively trying to be morbid but seeing my father in a nursing home and the recent loss of my mother's sister is constantly making me think of death.  All I think of is how in my aunt's obituary it states how she was so in love with her husband and how they had such a great relationship.  What are my sisters and I supposed to submit to our local newspaper about our parents?  "After a long bitter life together we're sure they're happy to be dead."  I used to think my family was quirky and funny and semi-normal but the more I look around the more secrets I uncover and realize how screwed up we are.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Same Sad Story

Once again this is a blog about how sad I am.  Let me whine just a bit about how unhappy I am with my life.  I keep applying for jobs, but I find nothing.  I get rejection after rejection.  I'm trying to get into cosmetology school but no one will give me a break and loan me the money I need.  VESID and RCIL were completely unhelpful, and BOCES can only offer me a payment plan.  I cannot take a payment plan if I don't have money in the first place.  I keep watching these fools on Shear Genius and can't help think even as an unseasoned hairstylist I could do better!  On the other hand I'm trying to write but not only does everything I write not seem good enough but even if I did write something semi-interesting I have no idea about how to go about getting published.  All I keep thinking is if the people around here don't even like me how can I get people around the world to like me?

I feel like I'm failing.  I keep disappointing my husband, he keeps getting more and more frustrated with me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave because its getting to be too much.  I'm already depressed and anxious enough and then I can feel his negative energy bearing down on me.  I need a break from someone somewhere so that I can get into what I need. 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Dream Sequence

Last night in my dream I said something that stuck with me. I wonder what it means.

" Please excuse me if I don't buy it when you say 'I love you.' You have poison on your tongue and spiders in the palms of your hands. "

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Conventional Honesty

I know I'm not exactly the perfect friend. Not perfect by any stretch of the mind, but I try. I express concern, elation, or whatever emotion is warranted for any given moment. I present these emotions with the most sincerity I can express. As I said I'm not perfect, I do the wrong thing sometimes, I make bad choices and say things I probably shouldn't say, but I'm not actively trying to make the wrong choice, therefore I do try to rectify any wrong doing when presented to me.

Lately I have been going through a pretty rough time. My emotions are quite manic lately and hard to get me out of my emotional state. I've been sleeping more than I should and snapping at things I shouldn't be. Its difficult to act that way and feel that I'm doing it and knowing its wrong but still doing it. Thats all a part of being a manic depressive though, isn't it? On top of that my father was admitted into the hospital today with a broken hip. He's not exactly a spring chicken, he's well into his late 70's and very fraile. I fear we are close to the end of my father's life. Whether it be 2 weeks, or 2 years I just feel like its far to close. But, I digress. I feel in these times I need my best friend to be by my side or at least express some sort of regard for the goings on in my life. I know she is going through some stuff in her life and I have expressed concern for her, however I feel that I'm not getting that back. I know it sounds more like I'm bragging and making myself into some sort of saint but I promise I'm only saying this to make a point. I'm tired of giving and never getting anything back. I feel that she can put her problems aside for 5 minutes to as if I'm alright. Isn't that what friendship is about? Give and take, 50/50. Not I give, you take.

I do get concern in small doses from people who are not quite as close to me, not that their concern for my well-being or my father's means any less than my "best friend's" but lets face it, its not the same as when it comes from your best friend. It makes you feel closer to them, like you really have someone who cares about you. Well I don't.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Perfectly Lonely

Time goes by quickly. It really does and there is nothing you can do about it. I feel like for the past year or so I've been slipping closer and closer to insanity. I've been crying, nay screaming for help but no one is there when I turn around. I'm surrounded by people who hear what I'm saying but never really listen to my words. I feel as though I used to be on top of the world but now I just carry the weight of it on my shoulders.

People always say "its about the quality not the quantity." They say it about everything, belongings, and friends. I've taken a good look around and I don't have much of anything. The quality isn't so great either. Does this make me a poor person?