Saturday, May 15, 2010

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.

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