Thursday, February 18, 2010

Family Values

Visiting my dad in the nursing home is always a learning experience.  Last night after our visit I decided to go to dinner with my sister and mother.  We were ribbing my mother about how she's been acting since our father broke his hip.  She's been attentive and just completely unlike herself.  Growing up I always thought my parents hated eachother and could never for the life of me understand why they would stay married, however I did revel in the fact that I was the only person among my friends who's parents were still married.  I learned about divorce at a very young age and just wondered why other people would do that, why not do what my parents did?  Separate beds sounded like a great idea.  Then the separate bedroom thing happened and I wondered why my parents didn't just follow the rest of the world and get divorced.  I decided to embrace the quirk in my family and make jokes about it.  Meanwhile the rest of my family was keeping secrets from me.  Since I was so much younger than the rest of my sisters I was a little slow on the uptake when it came to just about anything.  People would always stop talking when I came in the room or speak in hushed tones.  Sometimes I picked up on things, mostly dirty jokes, sometimes I was too involved with my barbie dolls to care about whatever the secret was.  Now that I'm grown people are becoming more bold about talking about things in front of me.  The problem is not only am I in the know about the present but a multitude of secrets are being let loose.  It is becoming a lot to take in and not helping with my depression and anxiety. 

I'm not actively trying to be morbid but seeing my father in a nursing home and the recent loss of my mother's sister is constantly making me think of death.  All I think of is how in my aunt's obituary it states how she was so in love with her husband and how they had such a great relationship.  What are my sisters and I supposed to submit to our local newspaper about our parents?  "After a long bitter life together we're sure they're happy to be dead."  I used to think my family was quirky and funny and semi-normal but the more I look around the more secrets I uncover and realize how screwed up we are.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Same Sad Story

Once again this is a blog about how sad I am.  Let me whine just a bit about how unhappy I am with my life.  I keep applying for jobs, but I find nothing.  I get rejection after rejection.  I'm trying to get into cosmetology school but no one will give me a break and loan me the money I need.  VESID and RCIL were completely unhelpful, and BOCES can only offer me a payment plan.  I cannot take a payment plan if I don't have money in the first place.  I keep watching these fools on Shear Genius and can't help think even as an unseasoned hairstylist I could do better!  On the other hand I'm trying to write but not only does everything I write not seem good enough but even if I did write something semi-interesting I have no idea about how to go about getting published.  All I keep thinking is if the people around here don't even like me how can I get people around the world to like me?

I feel like I'm failing.  I keep disappointing my husband, he keeps getting more and more frustrated with me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave because its getting to be too much.  I'm already depressed and anxious enough and then I can feel his negative energy bearing down on me.  I need a break from someone somewhere so that I can get into what I need. 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Dream Sequence

Last night in my dream I said something that stuck with me. I wonder what it means.

" Please excuse me if I don't buy it when you say 'I love you.' You have poison on your tongue and spiders in the palms of your hands. "