Friday, December 17, 2010

Just don't give a fuck

So once again I've opened up too soon and it came back to bite me in the ass.  I feel as though the only thing I can take away from this whole experience is to just become a complete bitch to everyone.  I'm always so concerned with people liking me, that was the old me.  The old me is gone with the wind.  I'm tired of getting hurt by people.  My nerves are frayed, my mind is blurred and I just cannot take it anymore.  I don't care who does or does not like me anymore.  From now on I'm going to tell people exactly how I feel whether it hurts their feelings or not.  People obviously don't care about hurting me, so why should I give a fuck about hurting them?  I was always so concerned with who is being fake to me and who isn't.  Well, if I'm completely closed off from people it won't matter who is being fake.  I know I've said I felt this way before but this time I've finally snapped.  The only people who deserve any respect from me are my husband and my family.  A few in particulars deserve a little more than others but that is my business to decide.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.