Friday, July 23, 2010

If you really knew me, you would know ...

...There are so many things I wish I could say

...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to

...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening

...I desperately want to be accepted

...I am afraid that I will not win this battle

...I still don't know who I am

...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving

...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.  The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is

...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems

...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard

...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep

...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel

...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me

...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with

...No one could put me down worse than I do myself.  I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself

...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.

...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine

...Sometimes I cry when no one is around

...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results

...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway

...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone

...I am unable to see my potential

...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about

...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes

...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head

...I blame myself for being raped

...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me

...I long to have a close relationship with my family

...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband

...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head

...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world

...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences

...I feel there's an empty hole inside me

...I hate being so emotional

...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail

...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities

...I need help believing in myself

...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider

...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of

...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy

...I always feel like a burden

...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me

...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied

...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be

...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Job Dilemma

Recently a couple people at my workplace have been told that our jobs come before our families.  I'm not the only person who feels this is wrong.  One girl actually quit.  I feel as though I'm in a different position than most of the girls there though.  Many of the girls have the job as just a way to get through school or are looking for better things.  Cosmetology is my chosen profession.  I don't plan to be in the same store for the rest of my life, eventually I would like to work in an actual salon or start my own business.  However, working here does give me a nice leg up in the world.  Paid training, lots of experience and it looks really good as part of my resume.  I cannot work under conditions that my managers think that it is tolerable to say this place comes before everything in my life, which is not true.  Another girl was told she had to rearrange her schedule for college next semester, which is not an option for her.  So now she is being forced to choose between work and school? Unacceptable.  Sitting around complaining to eachother is not going to get us anywhere.  I feel that if we band together we can make a change, however no one wants to make waves, including myself, whose to know if it will or will not mean major repercussions for all of us.  I really cannot think of any better stand to take than to quit and state that this is the reason.  Be that as it may many people have already done this many times in the past and obviously nothing has changed.  I'm thinking an anonymous letter to corporate is the only route to take.