Thursday, November 10, 2011

Strange Changes

Right now my life is both bitter and sweet. Like most people I have good and bad things going on. I seem to focus far too much on the bad though. Its very difficult to focus on the good when you're depressed. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm cursed. I can't say nothing good ever happens to me but its a rare occasion. Things have changed quite a bit since April though. I've reconnected with an old friend, my family has become even more disfunct, and we sucked the poisonous people out of our lives. Everything else is pretty much the same. My husband is still suspicious of my every move, I'm still pretty much completely broke and my casual use of marijuana is coming dangerously close to becoming an addiction. I wonder if my husband would be so suspicious of me if he knew my sex drive is almost completely shot. I don't want to have sex with him let alone anyone else. All I want to do lately is lay around with my best friend and smoke pot. I try to rationalize it so that I don't get labeled an addict but how many weeks do I have to go without spending money all because I need to have weed before its considered a problem? I don't want to stop but I see exactly where this is going. The constant smoking started because I was bored all the time. It elevated when my father died and now it almost seems like I can't get out of bed unless weed is promised to me. I always thought addiction only happens when you do hard drugs and alcohol. No one would ever become addicted to bud.  Its a harmless plant.  I don't really think I'm addicted to reefer though, I'm addicted to the feeling. I'm addicted to the fact that it helps me sleep, keeps me calm and makes me happy. I feel like its no different than someone who takes xanax or ambien. I think smoking is better because its not a chemical reaction its natural. Just keep rationalizing like that and I'll never be considered an addict.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Epic Downturn

I sit here trying my hardest not to freak out but all I can think is my father is dead.  This man I actually have no biological connection to (I was adopted) and I don't exactly feel like we had too much of an emotional connection is dead.  Who was he really?  To me he was some guy who sculked around our house all down trodden and hated.  The poor man was stuck in a family of him and 5 woman all of whom he could not sleep with (so don't get any cheeky ideas that it was any fun for him.)  For as long as I can remember my mother despised my father.  She would talk down to him, and order him around.  Not like in an abusive way but a funny way that we all just accepted.  I just cannot fathom the idea of my parents ever being intimate enough to conceive a child let alone to continuously try enough to adopt 2 daughters and still try after that and successfully conceive 2 of their own flesh and blood daughters.  Ick.  Anyway ...I just never felt very close to him.  I can't say I don't know him because I know his likes and dislikes.  I know his bathing habits, but I don't know him.  I always felt like that was normal, but I'm realizing its not.  I'm becoming increasingly more aware about how disfunct my family is.  At this point disfuntion is the new normal but I always felt that since my parents never got divorced we were 1 of very few unbroken homes which made us better than most.  We are not.  We are just as crazy and disfuntional as any middle class family in a small city can be. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Looking Forward

So far 2011 has really been very good to me.  I'm loving the direction my life is headed and hope it continues on this path for a very long time.  I never usually have anything to look forward to in a new year but this year something changed.  It was like midnight turned to 2011 and all was well.  I know there are a few things I have to deal with that will make my path a bit bumpy but I will gladly go through whatever I must in order to reap my rewards.  Here is a list I've made of things I have to look forward to in 2011:

1.  Scream Out Loud Media:  A work friend approached me a few weeks ago and asked how I would feel about writing for a music blog.  She is a photographer and wanted to create a site where we can post photos and interviews from various shows in our area.  I've already interviewed a few bands and I cannot wait to see where this brings me in the future.

2. Relationships (old & new):  I recently became very close friends with someone who was always there but I was blinded by other people's nasty words about him.  I've realized I need to form my own opinions about people and hope that moving forward I can make many more friends.  I've also made a few friends at work that I'm pretty excited about.

3. Going Out with Said friends:  Self explainatory.

4. Becoming Healthier:  I've been trying for a long time to lose weight and be more healthy.  I always fall off the wagon far too soon.  This time I've gotten myself 20 lbs away from my goal weight.  I just have to start going to the gym more often.