Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Maria, Count Me Out

Dear *****,

I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring.  I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart.  I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty.  I cannot help myself.  As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world.  After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one.  I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.

I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now.  This is all coming from me.  As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision.  Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me.  I finally made a choice to ask people.  I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different.  I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way.  I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having.  I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give.  S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her.  T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true.  M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view.  I remember you telling me a story about J*****.  How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them.  S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation.  Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa.  I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it.  J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father."  J***** went against her mother to do you a service.  As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one.  I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me.  You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that.  Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well.  I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.

I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act.  I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you.  You seem to want to blame the world for your problems.  Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault.  You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.  I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.

I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.


Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for. 

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


My life is finally looking up.  Well other than the fact that I broke my nail at the gym today, but if thats the least of my worries right now, I'll take it!  I finally got a job.  I found out yesterday I've been hired for the Macy's cosmetics counter.  I'm very excited because I will get to learn about new products and techniques.  On my last weigh in I found that I have collectively lost 16 lbs since March.  I have only 30 lbs for my June goal, and 60lbs to my overall goal.  Progress is progress.  I just can't wait to be able to wear skinny jeans.  I am also glad to announce I have been drama free since my last blog. Not much to really talk about, I guess.