If you really knew me, you would know ...

...There are so many things I wish I could say

...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to

...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening

...I desperately want to be accepted

...I am afraid that I will not win this battle

...I still don't know who I am

...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving

...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.  The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is

...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems

...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard

...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep

...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel

...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me

...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with

...No one could put me down worse than I do myself.  I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself

...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.

...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine

...Sometimes I cry when no one is around

...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results

...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway

...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone

...I am unable to see my potential

...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about

...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes

...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head

...I blame myself for being raped

...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me

...I long to have a close relationship with my family

...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband

...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head

...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world

...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences

...I feel there's an empty hole inside me

...I hate being so emotional

...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail

...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities

...I need help believing in myself

...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider

...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of

...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy

...I always feel like a burden

...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me

...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied

...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be

...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.

Conventional Honesty

I know I'm not exactly the perfect friend. Not perfect by any stretch of the mind, but I try. I express concern, elation, or whatever emotion is warranted for any given moment. I present these emotions with the most sincerity I can express. As I said I'm not perfect, I do the wrong thing sometimes, I make bad choices and say things I probably shouldn't say, but I'm not actively trying to make the wrong choice, therefore I do try to rectify any wrong doing when presented to me.



Lately I have been going through a pretty rough time. My emotions are quite manic lately and hard to get me out of my emotional state. I've been sleeping more than I should and snapping at things I shouldn't be. Its difficult to act that way and feel that I'm doing it and knowing its wrong but still doing it. Thats all a part of being a manic depressive though, isn't it? On top of that my father was admitted into the hospital today with a broken hip. He's not exactly a spring chicken, he's well into his late 70's and very fraile. I fear we are close to the end of my father's life. Whether it be 2 weeks, or 2 years I just feel like its far to close. But, I digress. I feel in these times I need my best friend to be by my side or at least express some sort of regard for the goings on in my life. I know she is going through some stuff in her life and I have expressed concern for her, however I feel that I'm not getting that back. I know it sounds more like I'm bragging and making myself into some sort of saint but I promise I'm only saying this to make a point. I'm tired of giving and never getting anything back. I feel that she can put her problems aside for 5 minutes to as if I'm alright. Isn't that what friendship is about? Give and take, 50/50. Not I give, you take.



I do get concern in small doses from people who are not quite as close to me, not that their concern for my well-being or my father's means any less than my "best friend's" but lets face it, its not the same as when it comes from your best friend. It makes you feel closer to them, like you really have someone who cares about you. Well I don't.