Sunday, January 31, 2010

Conventional Honesty

I know I'm not exactly the perfect friend. Not perfect by any stretch of the mind, but I try. I express concern, elation, or whatever emotion is warranted for any given moment. I present these emotions with the most sincerity I can express. As I said I'm not perfect, I do the wrong thing sometimes, I make bad choices and say things I probably shouldn't say, but I'm not actively trying to make the wrong choice, therefore I do try to rectify any wrong doing when presented to me.

Lately I have been going through a pretty rough time. My emotions are quite manic lately and hard to get me out of my emotional state. I've been sleeping more than I should and snapping at things I shouldn't be. Its difficult to act that way and feel that I'm doing it and knowing its wrong but still doing it. Thats all a part of being a manic depressive though, isn't it? On top of that my father was admitted into the hospital today with a broken hip. He's not exactly a spring chicken, he's well into his late 70's and very fraile. I fear we are close to the end of my father's life. Whether it be 2 weeks, or 2 years I just feel like its far to close. But, I digress. I feel in these times I need my best friend to be by my side or at least express some sort of regard for the goings on in my life. I know she is going through some stuff in her life and I have expressed concern for her, however I feel that I'm not getting that back. I know it sounds more like I'm bragging and making myself into some sort of saint but I promise I'm only saying this to make a point. I'm tired of giving and never getting anything back. I feel that she can put her problems aside for 5 minutes to as if I'm alright. Isn't that what friendship is about? Give and take, 50/50. Not I give, you take.

I do get concern in small doses from people who are not quite as close to me, not that their concern for my well-being or my father's means any less than my "best friend's" but lets face it, its not the same as when it comes from your best friend. It makes you feel closer to them, like you really have someone who cares about you. Well I don't.

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