Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Friday, December 17, 2010
Just don't give a fuck
So once again I've opened up too soon and it came back to bite me in the ass. I feel as though the only thing I can take away from this whole experience is to just become a complete bitch to everyone. I'm always so concerned with people liking me, that was the old me. The old me is gone with the wind. I'm tired of getting hurt by people. My nerves are frayed, my mind is blurred and I just cannot take it anymore. I don't care who does or does not like me anymore. From now on I'm going to tell people exactly how I feel whether it hurts their feelings or not. People obviously don't care about hurting me, so why should I give a fuck about hurting them? I was always so concerned with who is being fake to me and who isn't. Well, if I'm completely closed off from people it won't matter who is being fake. I know I've said I felt this way before but this time I've finally snapped. The only people who deserve any respect from me are my husband and my family. A few in particulars deserve a little more than others but that is my business to decide.
Friday, July 23, 2010
If you really knew me, you would know ...
...There are so many things I wish I could say
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Time to move on
I used to tell myself, regret nothing because at one point it was something you wanted. However, I cannot help but regret so many of my past decisions. Besides the obvious horrible exboyfriends, and bad haircuts I truely regret having hurt so many people. I mostly regret hurting the one person in the world who's love I've never had to question. I also regret hurting my best friend, we may have had our moments but I completely screwed him all because of my stupid self indulgent lies.
My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be. I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with. I guess thats just the curse of having cheated. I sometimes wish I had my old friends back. I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes. I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them. I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.
My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be. I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with. I guess thats just the curse of having cheated. I sometimes wish I had my old friends back. I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes. I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them. I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.
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