Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.

My brave face

Its been a very trying past few weeks.  The pontiac broke down, we had to buy a new car.  In the meantime directly after we already spent the money on a brand new car my husband's dad decided to get the pontiac fixed.  On the bright side: we now have 2 cars.  One the other hand: our insurance is going up and we have an expensive car to pay off.  We decided on a 2010 Toyota Carrolla.  She's beautiful and I named her Helena.  Its been slightly stressful trying to figure out the new budget and stick to it.  I just wish I could get my husband to understand we need to be sure to stick to this or we're gonna end up broke.  I also really need to step it up at work and make more sales.  I need to get my own business off the ground and get some out of store makeovers.  Its really the difference between $8 per makeover and $30 per makeover.  I just need to figure something out to get more money. 

Lately I've been very emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of being sad and trying to keep on a brave face.  My husband doesn't know how to control himself and is constantly falling to pieces so I have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I just want to be the designated basket case.  I don't think my husband picks up on it but my depression has gotten to the point where I really don't get out of bed unless its to go to work. I sleep because even if I'm having a nightmare its better than the reality of my life.  I barely eat and the house work has gone to hell.  I was feeling pretty manic a couple Saturdays ago so I put my energy to good use and cleaned the entire apartment.  It feels like every time I turn around something new crops up for me to be stressed out about.  I never really want to do anything but I push myself.  I feel like I need a hobby something more than makeup but I feel like if I put too much energy into something that isn't making money I'm just wasting my time.  I just need something to distract me. 

Being forgotten by someone I'll never forget

Lately I've been very emotional.  I've really been missing my former bff.  We had a really tough parting of the ways a little over 2 years ago.  I made a huge mistake, took too long and now I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I really want to make things right, but I just don't know what to do and feel like he just doesn't care to make things better between us.  We got together last November and agreed that we're ok with eachother but never really came to a full conclusion.  I feel like at this point I either need to move on or completely reconcile.  I don't want to be bitter towards him or anything but I feel like any time he messages me just to ask me some stupid question its like heartbreaking to know I'm not going to be hanging out with him.  I really wish I had someone to talk to about this.  My husband is too busy playing video games, besides the fact that he's been hearing the same story for the past year and a half.  All my new friends are too new to open up to like that, and my family just doesn't get it.  I miss having him there on holidays, and just being there with me all the time.  We literally went from pretty much being together everyday to a screeching halt and not even talking for almost 2 years.  I think I've just spent too much time and too many tears on this and it needs to come to a head.  I just want closure.