Rollercoaster

My husband has decided to reconcile with his old friend that he has not spoken to in about a year.  I also decided its no fun to hold on to old grudges over petty little things.  To be honest I don't think I can really remember why we have not spoken with him in a year.  I feel that it should be on a probationary period, I still don't like to be made a fool of.  I'm hoping this doesn't prove to be just a lateral move.  We went to a party at his and his girlfriend's apartment and had a pretty good time.  I quite like her, she's a sweet girl.  I'm reminding myself to keep a distance because we don't plan to stay in Rome much longer so there really is no point in getting all worked up over nothing.  We've also seen where this has lead to before with my husband's friends' girlfriends.  I'm not in the mood to be let down by anyone at this point.  I guess the best thing for me to do is keep my distance and just see what happens.  I think sometimes I really overthink things and don't just let them happen. 

My brave face

Its been a very trying past few weeks.  The pontiac broke down, we had to buy a new car.  In the meantime directly after we already spent the money on a brand new car my husband's dad decided to get the pontiac fixed.  On the bright side: we now have 2 cars.  One the other hand: our insurance is going up and we have an expensive car to pay off.  We decided on a 2010 Toyota Carrolla.  She's beautiful and I named her Helena.  Its been slightly stressful trying to figure out the new budget and stick to it.  I just wish I could get my husband to understand we need to be sure to stick to this or we're gonna end up broke.  I also really need to step it up at work and make more sales.  I need to get my own business off the ground and get some out of store makeovers.  Its really the difference between $8 per makeover and $30 per makeover.  I just need to figure something out to get more money. 

Lately I've been very emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of being sad and trying to keep on a brave face.  My husband doesn't know how to control himself and is constantly falling to pieces so I have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I just want to be the designated basket case.  I don't think my husband picks up on it but my depression has gotten to the point where I really don't get out of bed unless its to go to work. I sleep because even if I'm having a nightmare its better than the reality of my life.  I barely eat and the house work has gone to hell.  I was feeling pretty manic a couple Saturdays ago so I put my energy to good use and cleaned the entire apartment.  It feels like every time I turn around something new crops up for me to be stressed out about.  I never really want to do anything but I push myself.  I feel like I need a hobby something more than makeup but I feel like if I put too much energy into something that isn't making money I'm just wasting my time.  I just need something to distract me. 

Mistakes Made, Never Forgotten

Its funny how one mistake can change your life forever.  One simple little action without thought can strip you of everything you hold dear.  I so badly want my old life back.  The fun times, the companionship.  I really miss everyone and everything.  My time and energy has been so wasted these past months because of how much I focus on the sadness.  I still don't even feel like the time has passed. The worst part is its not just one stupid mistake.  It was a bunch of mistakes leading up to one very big one.  I used to spend a lot of time treating people very badly and not thinking before reacting.  I kept getting away with it because it was such small petty stuff people just over looked it and forgave me.  Finally I just couldn't get away with it anymore.  I feel at this point even if they did somehow find a way to forgive me, it won't ever be forgotten.  Sometimes I loathe social networking because there are some of my old friends who my stupidness didn't affect however, because they are so much closer with those it did I barely talk to them.  I still cannot find it in me to delete them from my life.  My hope for friendship renewal is fading with every passing day, I'm getting older and its getting harder to find friends who aren't married or have kids.  Not that if I did find new friends I would miss my old friends any less.  They were a huge part of my life and always will be.

Being forgotten by someone I'll never forget

Lately I've been very emotional.  I've really been missing my former bff.  We had a really tough parting of the ways a little over 2 years ago.  I made a huge mistake, took too long and now I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I really want to make things right, but I just don't know what to do and feel like he just doesn't care to make things better between us.  We got together last November and agreed that we're ok with eachother but never really came to a full conclusion.  I feel like at this point I either need to move on or completely reconcile.  I don't want to be bitter towards him or anything but I feel like any time he messages me just to ask me some stupid question its like heartbreaking to know I'm not going to be hanging out with him.  I really wish I had someone to talk to about this.  My husband is too busy playing video games, besides the fact that he's been hearing the same story for the past year and a half.  All my new friends are too new to open up to like that, and my family just doesn't get it.  I miss having him there on holidays, and just being there with me all the time.  We literally went from pretty much being together everyday to a screeching halt and not even talking for almost 2 years.  I think I've just spent too much time and too many tears on this and it needs to come to a head.  I just want closure.

Letting Out My Demons

Today was a slightly emotional day.  The husband's birthday was today and I had to work so I was already slightly unhappy.  I wanted to spend time with him but he wound up spending his birthday bringing his car to Pepboys and walking to the mall.  We had a nice lunch together but I wish I could have made it a special day for him.  We planned on going to a water park some time this week but the weather where we live is super unpredictable and its tough to plan something like this.  I asked my two older nieces to come along with us and at first they were ok with coming but since the plans changed so many times they decided to back out from going.  A misunderstanding happened and I felt as though they just didn't want to go, and blah blah.  I still feel that way a bit however, I have to remember that teenagers have lives beyond family. 

It seems strange but the new episode of Holly's World tugged a little on my heart.  Last year I had a very special birthday party planned, not that it was a particularly special birthday for me it was just timing.  My mother gets free nights at the local casino/hotel and at the time they allowed you to bring your own alcohol into the building.  So we planned something big.  I invited my best friend but she used her 1 year old child as an excuse to not come.  I was watching Holly's World and Angel left her son for a few days to get a breast augmentation.  It just aggravates me that my "best friend" could say its because of her child that she couldn't be there for me for 1 night on the single most important day of the year but this girl can leave her child for a few day for something as frivolous as a boob job. 

I guess it wasn't too much to complain about I mean if this is the worst of my troubles I guess I have a pretty good life, but I just needed to get things off my chest.  I can't stand it when my thoughts keep me from sleep.

If you really knew me, you would know ...

...There are so many things I wish I could say

...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to

...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening

...I desperately want to be accepted

...I am afraid that I will not win this battle

...I still don't know who I am

...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving

...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.  The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is

...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems

...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard

...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep

...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel

...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me

...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with

...No one could put me down worse than I do myself.  I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself

...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.

...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine

...Sometimes I cry when no one is around

...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results

...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway

...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone

...I am unable to see my potential

...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about

...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes

...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head

...I blame myself for being raped

...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me

...I long to have a close relationship with my family

...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband

...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head

...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world

...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences

...I feel there's an empty hole inside me

...I hate being so emotional

...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail

...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities

...I need help believing in myself

...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider

...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of

...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy

...I always feel like a burden

...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me

...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied

...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be

...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel

Job Dilemma

Recently a couple people at my workplace have been told that our jobs come before our families.  I'm not the only person who feels this is wrong.  One girl actually quit.  I feel as though I'm in a different position than most of the girls there though.  Many of the girls have the job as just a way to get through school or are looking for better things.  Cosmetology is my chosen profession.  I don't plan to be in the same store for the rest of my life, eventually I would like to work in an actual salon or start my own business.  However, working here does give me a nice leg up in the world.  Paid training, lots of experience and it looks really good as part of my resume.  I cannot work under conditions that my managers think that it is tolerable to say this place comes before everything in my life, which is not true.  Another girl was told she had to rearrange her schedule for college next semester, which is not an option for her.  So now she is being forced to choose between work and school? Unacceptable.  Sitting around complaining to eachother is not going to get us anywhere.  I feel that if we band together we can make a change, however no one wants to make waves, including myself, whose to know if it will or will not mean major repercussions for all of us.  I really cannot think of any better stand to take than to quit and state that this is the reason.  Be that as it may many people have already done this many times in the past and obviously nothing has changed.  I'm thinking an anonymous letter to corporate is the only route to take.

Time to move on

I used to tell myself, regret nothing because at one point it was something you wanted.  However, I cannot help but regret so many of my past decisions.  Besides the obvious horrible exboyfriends, and bad haircuts I truely regret having hurt so many people.  I mostly regret hurting the one person in the world who's love I've never had to question.  I also regret hurting my best friend, we may have had our moments but I completely screwed him all because of my stupid self indulgent lies. 

My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be.  I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with.  I guess thats just the curse of having cheated.  I sometimes wish I had my old friends back.  I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes.  I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them.  I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.

Dear Maria, Count Me Out

Dear *****,

I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring.  I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart.  I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty.  I cannot help myself.  As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world.  After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one.  I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.

I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now.  This is all coming from me.  As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision.  Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me.  I finally made a choice to ask people.  I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different.  I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way.  I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having.  I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give.  S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her.  T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true.  M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view.  I remember you telling me a story about J*****.  How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them.  S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation.  Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa.  I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it.  J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father."  J***** went against her mother to do you a service.  As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one.  I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me.  You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that.  Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well.  I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.

I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act.  I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you.  You seem to want to blame the world for your problems.  Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault.  You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.  I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.

I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.

-Me

Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for. 

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.