Today was a slightly emotional day. The husband's birthday was today and I had to work so I was already slightly unhappy. I wanted to spend time with him but he wound up spending his birthday bringing his car to Pepboys and walking to the mall. We had a nice lunch together but I wish I could have made it a special day for him. We planned on going to a water park some time this week but the weather where we live is super unpredictable and its tough to plan something like this. I asked my two older nieces to come along with us and at first they were ok with coming but since the plans changed so many times they decided to back out from going. A misunderstanding happened and I felt as though they just didn't want to go, and blah blah. I still feel that way a bit however, I have to remember that teenagers have lives beyond family.
It seems strange but the new episode of Holly's World tugged a little on my heart. Last year I had a very special birthday party planned, not that it was a particularly special birthday for me it was just timing. My mother gets free nights at the local casino/hotel and at the time they allowed you to bring your own alcohol into the building. So we planned something big. I invited my best friend but she used her 1 year old child as an excuse to not come. I was watching Holly's World and Angel left her son for a few days to get a breast augmentation. It just aggravates me that my "best friend" could say its because of her child that she couldn't be there for me for 1 night on the single most important day of the year but this girl can leave her child for a few day for something as frivolous as a boob job.
I guess it wasn't too much to complain about I mean if this is the worst of my troubles I guess I have a pretty good life, but I just needed to get things off my chest. I can't stand it when my thoughts keep me from sleep.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
If you really knew me, you would know ...
...There are so many things I wish I could say
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Job Dilemma
Recently a couple people at my workplace have been told that our jobs come before our families. I'm not the only person who feels this is wrong. One girl actually quit. I feel as though I'm in a different position than most of the girls there though. Many of the girls have the job as just a way to get through school or are looking for better things. Cosmetology is my chosen profession. I don't plan to be in the same store for the rest of my life, eventually I would like to work in an actual salon or start my own business. However, working here does give me a nice leg up in the world. Paid training, lots of experience and it looks really good as part of my resume. I cannot work under conditions that my managers think that it is tolerable to say this place comes before everything in my life, which is not true. Another girl was told she had to rearrange her schedule for college next semester, which is not an option for her. So now she is being forced to choose between work and school? Unacceptable. Sitting around complaining to eachother is not going to get us anywhere. I feel that if we band together we can make a change, however no one wants to make waves, including myself, whose to know if it will or will not mean major repercussions for all of us. I really cannot think of any better stand to take than to quit and state that this is the reason. Be that as it may many people have already done this many times in the past and obviously nothing has changed. I'm thinking an anonymous letter to corporate is the only route to take.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Time to move on
I used to tell myself, regret nothing because at one point it was something you wanted. However, I cannot help but regret so many of my past decisions. Besides the obvious horrible exboyfriends, and bad haircuts I truely regret having hurt so many people. I mostly regret hurting the one person in the world who's love I've never had to question. I also regret hurting my best friend, we may have had our moments but I completely screwed him all because of my stupid self indulgent lies.
My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be. I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with. I guess thats just the curse of having cheated. I sometimes wish I had my old friends back. I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes. I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them. I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.
My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be. I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with. I guess thats just the curse of having cheated. I sometimes wish I had my old friends back. I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes. I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them. I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Dear Maria, Count Me Out
Dear *****,
I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring. I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart. I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty. I cannot help myself. As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world. After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one. I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.
I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now. This is all coming from me. As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision. Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me. I finally made a choice to ask people. I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different. I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way. I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having. I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give. S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her. T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true. M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view. I remember you telling me a story about J*****. How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them. S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation. Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa. I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it. J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father." J***** went against her mother to do you a service. As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one. I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me. You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that. Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well. I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.
I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act. I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you. You seem to want to blame the world for your problems. Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault. You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions. I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.
I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.
-Me
Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for.
I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring. I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart. I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty. I cannot help myself. As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world. After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one. I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.
I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now. This is all coming from me. As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision. Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me. I finally made a choice to ask people. I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different. I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way. I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having. I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give. S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her. T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true. M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view. I remember you telling me a story about J*****. How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them. S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation. Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa. I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it. J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father." J***** went against her mother to do you a service. As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one. I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me. You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that. Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well. I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.
I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act. I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you. You seem to want to blame the world for your problems. Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault. You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions. I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.
I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.
-Me
Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Don't Cry For Me
I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems. I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help. Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down. I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister. Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat. When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder. To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food. I became a compulsive over-eater. I went from one extreme to the next. On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked. After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs. I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating. I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there. I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly. So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym. I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound. Please, don't tell me you're worried about me, I know what my body can and cannot take.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Finally
My life is finally looking up. Well other than the fact that I broke my nail at the gym today, but if thats the least of my worries right now, I'll take it! I finally got a job. I found out yesterday I've been hired for the Macy's cosmetics counter. I'm very excited because I will get to learn about new products and techniques. On my last weigh in I found that I have collectively lost 16 lbs since March. I have only 30 lbs for my June goal, and 60lbs to my overall goal. Progress is progress. I just can't wait to be able to wear skinny jeans. I am also glad to announce I have been drama free since my last blog. Not much to really talk about, I guess.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Estranged
Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network. I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy. I walked in and everything was business as usual. I figured he was talking to one of the regulars. Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog. I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much. I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance. This person hurt me very deeply. I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.) Instead of defending me he rolled over. If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face. Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend. I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious. I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away. Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me. WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it. It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel. I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it. I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to. I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me. Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger. I crave that feeling of closeness. Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind. Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Creativity
I long to be more creative. I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to. I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create. Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping. I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short. Here is what I came up with.
Those are the best of what I got. I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better. I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end. If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.
I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it. Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write. I feel like a small worm on a big hook. My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem. Easier said than done. I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser. I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?
I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange. I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice. It told me to look for a specific person. I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me. I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried. I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone. I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it. That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason. When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside. I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in. I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins.
Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins. I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found. Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death. When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried.
This very much fits my current situations. The depression is very obvious. I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job. I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time. The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove. However, there has not been any closure on either situation. All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends. Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed. I also feel this way about another of my friends. He moved to NC with his "fiance." Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him. Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them. He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them. This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day. I still remember the first day I met her. She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory. Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way. Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now? Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore. We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network. Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts. Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble. I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there. I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did. Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being. I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better. Hopefully these dreams will not continue.
Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins. I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found. Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death. When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried.
This very much fits my current situations. The depression is very obvious. I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job. I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time. The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove. However, there has not been any closure on either situation. All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends. Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed. I also feel this way about another of my friends. He moved to NC with his "fiance." Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him. Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them. He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them. This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day. I still remember the first day I met her. She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory. Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way. Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now? Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore. We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network. Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts. Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble. I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there. I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did. Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being. I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better. Hopefully these dreams will not continue.
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