Time to move on

I used to tell myself, regret nothing because at one point it was something you wanted.  However, I cannot help but regret so many of my past decisions.  Besides the obvious horrible exboyfriends, and bad haircuts I truely regret having hurt so many people.  I mostly regret hurting the one person in the world who's love I've never had to question.  I also regret hurting my best friend, we may have had our moments but I completely screwed him all because of my stupid self indulgent lies. 

My husband says he forgives me for what I did but to this day I still feel like nothing is the way it used to be.  I feel like he won't leave me alone, he always has to know where I am and who I'm with.  I guess thats just the curse of having cheated.  I sometimes wish I had my old friends back.  I miss them but everything is so different, and I don't know that I could handle the changes.  I'm so impatient I don't know that I could wait to feel the same way I used to with them.  I think maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from my guilt, time to move on from feeling like I need certain people in my life, and also the delusions that they even miss me.

Dear Maria, Count Me Out

Dear *****,

I know you're wondering why I have not contacted you since last spring.  I know that I should stop being a coward and let you know exactly how I feel in person, however, as angry as I am I still feel terrible that what I have to say will break your heart.  I try to tell myself I should not feel guilty, others tell me that I should not feel guilty.  I cannot help myself.  As angry as I am at you, you did bring me into this world.  After long and careful consideration I realize the decision I made when I was 18 years old was not a good one.  I don't feel that we should have a relationship anymore.

I know you're wondering where this is coming from, and why now.  This is all coming from me.  As I said I have taken long and careful consideration in making this decision.  Much of what you have told me about my past, your past and our family's past just did not add up to me.  I finally made a choice to ask people.  I understand that you may feel like S****** kept us apart, her side was a little different.  I know you feel as though she had my sister's fooled but I don't see it that way.  I see a family who took care of me when you couldn't, I see the only family I ever remember having.  I see a woman who has been hurt over and over again by many people in her life yet she continues to give.  S****** may not be a Saint but she tries her best to be helpful to those around her.  T***** may have her own way of seeing the world, but I know for sure she would never tell me anything she didn't think was absolutely true.  M*** **** has no reason to ever lie to me, and only knows what she saw from her point of view.  I remember you telling me a story about J*****.  How when Nonnie and Papa came to my birthday party J****** took me from one room and tried to keep me away from them.  S******, Nonnie nor Papa can ever recall this situation.  Though they all remember that birthday, and how I spent most of my time with Nonnie and Papa.  I can only wonder why you would have told me a completely different version of this story, I don't even want to think about it.  J***** did recall a time when she brought me to a restaurant to meet with you and my "biological father."  J***** went against her mother to do you a service.  As for G***, she doesn't talk much and she is the only person out of my whole family who has not given her opinion in this, although I'm sure she has one.  I feel as though you have been trying to swindle me.  You've made me into a fool, and I don't like that.  Before you try to blame S****** and my sister's I want you to know I have talked to other sources as well.  I promised names would not be mentioned, and I refuse to break those people's confidence.

I know I'm the last person to give advice to people about how to act.  I have my faults and I truely feel that people in glass houses should not throw stones, but I feel there are somethings I should tell you.  You seem to want to blame the world for your problems.  Sometimes things are beyond our control, but I cannot believe in all of your 51 years of life everything that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault.  You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions.  I do hope that this is a wake up call to you.

I truely am sorry for having to be harsh, but please do not try to contact me anymore.

-Me

Hopefully someday I will send this letter to the person it is intended for. 

Don't Cry For Me

I really hope it does not make me a bad person that I kinda like knowing I'm not the only person in the world who has an BDD, or even Anxiety problems.  I mean I know there are people out there but actually knowing them, and interacting with them seems to help.  Sometimes I almost feel like support means enable, but I like having people who uplift me rather than bring me down.  I don't think there is any better enabler in this world than my sister.  Ever since I was 8 years old she has told me I was fat.  When I was 13 I got caught having an eating disorder.  To keep myself from ever having to go to a therapist again I gave in to the food.  I became a compulsive over-eater.  I went from one extreme to the next.  On my wedding day I may not have been at my highest weight, but I sure am not happy with how I looked.  After the wedding came and went I got to my highest weight of 200.1 lbs.  I was so ashamed of myself, but still continued with eating.  I finally got so fed up with not being able to see my feet between my huge boobs, and gut that stuck out even farther that I forced my husband to pay my debt to the gym and then proceeded to spend a good chunk of my time there.  I still don't feel like I do all that I could because I've become so accustomed to eating that I just want to binge constantly.  So here it is, My name is Chanel, and I binge, abuse laxatives, fast, and spend too much time at the gym.  I obsess at the scale and shed a tear if I have not lost a full pound.  Please, don't tell me you're worried about me,  I know what my body can and cannot take.

Finally

My life is finally looking up.  Well other than the fact that I broke my nail at the gym today, but if thats the least of my worries right now, I'll take it!  I finally got a job.  I found out yesterday I've been hired for the Macy's cosmetics counter.  I'm very excited because I will get to learn about new products and techniques.  On my last weigh in I found that I have collectively lost 16 lbs since March.  I have only 30 lbs for my June goal, and 60lbs to my overall goal.  Progress is progress.  I just can't wait to be able to wear skinny jeans.  I am also glad to announce I have been drama free since my last blog. Not much to really talk about, I guess.

Estranged

Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network.  I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy.  I walked in and everything was business as usual.  I figured he was talking to one of the regulars.  Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog.  I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much.  I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance.  This person hurt me very deeply.  I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.)  Instead of defending me he rolled over.  If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face.  Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend.  I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious.  I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away.  Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me.  WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it.  It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel.  I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it.  I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to.  I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me.  Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger.  I crave that feeling of closeness.  Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind.  Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok. 

Creativity

I long to be more creative.  I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to.  I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create.  Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping.  I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short.  Here is what I came up with.

Those are the best of what I got.  I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better.  I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end.  If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.

I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it.  Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write.  I feel like a small worm on a big hook.  My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem.  Easier said than done.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser.  I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.

Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?

I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange.  I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice.  It told me to look for a specific person.   I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me.  I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried.  I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone.  I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it.  That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason.  When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside.  I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in.  I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins. 

Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins.  I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found.  Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death.  When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried. 

This very much fits my current situations.  The depression is very obvious.  I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job.  I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time.  The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove.  However, there has not been any closure on either situation.  All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends.  Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed.  I also feel this way about another of my friends.  He moved to NC with his "fiance."  Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him.  Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them.  He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them.  This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day.  I still remember the first day I met her.  She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory.  Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way.  Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now?  Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore.  We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network.  Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts.  Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble.  I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there.  I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did.  Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being.  I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better.  Hopefully these dreams will not continue.

Gossip Mill

The husband came home from work yesterday with a very sly grin on his face.  I asked him what his deal was and he replied "I know something you don't know."  I was to say the least quite intrigued by what info he may have.  He told me that my now former best friend and her boyfriend have broken up.  I'm not exactly happy it happened, but I do feel that she had this coming.  I don't think this has anything to do with why I have not heard from her since this is a recent development, so I really hope she doesn't think I'll feel sorry for her.  I have spent far too much of my time worrying about why she won't call, txt, or BBM me.  She's made her bed, and now she has to lay in it.  I'm becoming increasingly happy with where my life is headed.  If I could just find a job. 

On to politics.  Our great nation has finally received a health care reform.  I know, its not perfect and it will not fix everything but I feel positive about how this will affect all of us.  There will be an emphasis on physical, mental and female health.  It also widens the range of patients that the government can provide healthcare to.  Another good point is that there will be a new tax credit for small business employers who provide healthcare, which creates an incentive.  I really don't know exactly what my in-laws are so against. 

Question: why is there so much emphasis on the census this year?  Do we really have to fill it out?  What would happen if I don't answer correctly or honestly? Will the feds be after me?

Hint Taken

I finally decided to take the advice of those around me.  I have assessed my life and decided to remove those who I have tried to contact but refuse to contact me back.  I am not going to sit here and wait for those people to come around.  Obviously they no longer want me as part of their lives, so why should I worry about them?  Don't get me wrong, it took me some time to come to terms with having to do it, and it hurts to let go of more people, but I felt that it had to be done. 

Untitled Blog Updating You About Me

Lately I've not gotten any responses from my "best friend."  I'm not sure what exactly is going on and I suspect that everything is not ok between us.  I wouldn't know because as I stated I don't get responses.  When something seems amiss with this friend I usually get excuses.  I'm sure that when I finally do get an answer its going to be something along the lines of "school" or "work."  If the reality is what I'm suspecting it is then I would hope she would not even attempt to insult my intelligence.  I hope she will just nut up and tell me what's really going on.  If our friendship is over then I will be hurt because while it lasted it was a pretty good one, but at least I'll know exactly what the problem is and I can have closure on the situation.  The husband tells me it seems as though she's cutting me out, and I should take it one step further and cut her out by deleting her from all my social networking.  However, I feel like that's juvenile and I should try to keep contacting her and find out what the problem is.  On the other hand when you've been messaging someone for 2 months and not getting any response trying to contact turns into stalking.  Maybe it is time to just let go of another one. 

On the family side of things I've been spending most of my time with the only sister I can actually stand.  Which is funny because she's the only sister I've ever used the word "hate" about.  I don't think she's actively trying to help me but whether she knows it or not she really is.  She's been keeping me grounded and from completely breaking down.  I haven't had a panic attack in quite a few days, and she's been making me walk in the mornings with her and her dog.  I've already started feeling better about my body but I feel that I have a long way to go before I can really say I'm completely happy with my physique.  I'm just glad that in all the troubling time I'm going through I really have someone to lean on who isn't going to abandon when she decides I'm no longer good enough to be her friend.