Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Technical Curiosity

So, I was making sure my husband's alarm was set since he fell asleep early tonight. I know it was wrong to do but I got slightly curious. I checked out his text messages. I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to so I really don't know what made me feel the need to do this. However, I did find a very surprising conversation.

My husband has been talking with an old friend of mine who I no longer talk to for reasons that have blurred over time. I don't know what possessed him to do this but I feel as though this is something that might have been going on for a while. I did get answers to questions that had been buring inside my brain for a while.

Its very difficult for me to open up to people regarding my feels for them unless I know they feel the same way. This prevented me from calling him a long time ago. That and the fact that I was told to never call him again. I know he probably said this out of anger but he is as unpredicable as the wind. I never really knew how to read him. I don't know if it was just his personality or if I was just a bad friend.

I look back on my past and really feel as though I was not a good friend to a good majority of people. I never really listened to what people said, and was quick to drop someone for any given reason. I've been given many undeserved chances, and I've learned to appreciate the people around me. Which brings me to my biggest fear regarding these conversations with my old friend. I'm nervous that my husband will talk him into contacting me again and I've changed quite a bit, and I'm sure that after a year my old friend has as well. I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. I remember things a certain way and I don't do well with abrupt change. Also I'm not sure I'm up for talking about the reason why we stopped talking in the first place. It was a bad time, and the situation was quite embarrassing for me. I'm really torn about this now, and don't have anyone to talk to about it.

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