Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.

Rollercoaster

My husband has decided to reconcile with his old friend that he has not spoken to in about a year.  I also decided its no fun to hold on to old grudges over petty little things.  To be honest I don't think I can really remember why we have not spoken with him in a year.  I feel that it should be on a probationary period, I still don't like to be made a fool of.  I'm hoping this doesn't prove to be just a lateral move.  We went to a party at his and his girlfriend's apartment and had a pretty good time.  I quite like her, she's a sweet girl.  I'm reminding myself to keep a distance because we don't plan to stay in Rome much longer so there really is no point in getting all worked up over nothing.  We've also seen where this has lead to before with my husband's friends' girlfriends.  I'm not in the mood to be let down by anyone at this point.  I guess the best thing for me to do is keep my distance and just see what happens.  I think sometimes I really overthink things and don't just let them happen. 

Mistakes Made, Never Forgotten

Its funny how one mistake can change your life forever.  One simple little action without thought can strip you of everything you hold dear.  I so badly want my old life back.  The fun times, the companionship.  I really miss everyone and everything.  My time and energy has been so wasted these past months because of how much I focus on the sadness.  I still don't even feel like the time has passed. The worst part is its not just one stupid mistake.  It was a bunch of mistakes leading up to one very big one.  I used to spend a lot of time treating people very badly and not thinking before reacting.  I kept getting away with it because it was such small petty stuff people just over looked it and forgave me.  Finally I just couldn't get away with it anymore.  I feel at this point even if they did somehow find a way to forgive me, it won't ever be forgotten.  Sometimes I loathe social networking because there are some of my old friends who my stupidness didn't affect however, because they are so much closer with those it did I barely talk to them.  I still cannot find it in me to delete them from my life.  My hope for friendship renewal is fading with every passing day, I'm getting older and its getting harder to find friends who aren't married or have kids.  Not that if I did find new friends I would miss my old friends any less.  They were a huge part of my life and always will be.

Being forgotten by someone I'll never forget

Lately I've been very emotional.  I've really been missing my former bff.  We had a really tough parting of the ways a little over 2 years ago.  I made a huge mistake, took too long and now I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I really want to make things right, but I just don't know what to do and feel like he just doesn't care to make things better between us.  We got together last November and agreed that we're ok with eachother but never really came to a full conclusion.  I feel like at this point I either need to move on or completely reconcile.  I don't want to be bitter towards him or anything but I feel like any time he messages me just to ask me some stupid question its like heartbreaking to know I'm not going to be hanging out with him.  I really wish I had someone to talk to about this.  My husband is too busy playing video games, besides the fact that he's been hearing the same story for the past year and a half.  All my new friends are too new to open up to like that, and my family just doesn't get it.  I miss having him there on holidays, and just being there with me all the time.  We literally went from pretty much being together everyday to a screeching halt and not even talking for almost 2 years.  I think I've just spent too much time and too many tears on this and it needs to come to a head.  I just want closure.

Estranged

Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network.  I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy.  I walked in and everything was business as usual.  I figured he was talking to one of the regulars.  Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog.  I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much.  I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance.  This person hurt me very deeply.  I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.)  Instead of defending me he rolled over.  If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face.  Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend.  I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious.  I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away.  Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me.  WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it.  It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel.  I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it.  I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to.  I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me.  Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger.  I crave that feeling of closeness.  Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind.  Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok. 

Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?

I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange.  I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice.  It told me to look for a specific person.   I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me.  I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried.  I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone.  I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it.  That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason.  When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside.  I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in.  I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins. 

Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins.  I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found.  Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death.  When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried. 

This very much fits my current situations.  The depression is very obvious.  I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job.  I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time.  The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove.  However, there has not been any closure on either situation.  All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends.  Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed.  I also feel this way about another of my friends.  He moved to NC with his "fiance."  Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him.  Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them.  He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them.  This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day.  I still remember the first day I met her.  She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory.  Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way.  Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now?  Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore.  We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network.  Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts.  Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble.  I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there.  I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did.  Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being.  I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better.  Hopefully these dreams will not continue.

Untitled Blog Updating You About Me

Lately I've not gotten any responses from my "best friend."  I'm not sure what exactly is going on and I suspect that everything is not ok between us.  I wouldn't know because as I stated I don't get responses.  When something seems amiss with this friend I usually get excuses.  I'm sure that when I finally do get an answer its going to be something along the lines of "school" or "work."  If the reality is what I'm suspecting it is then I would hope she would not even attempt to insult my intelligence.  I hope she will just nut up and tell me what's really going on.  If our friendship is over then I will be hurt because while it lasted it was a pretty good one, but at least I'll know exactly what the problem is and I can have closure on the situation.  The husband tells me it seems as though she's cutting me out, and I should take it one step further and cut her out by deleting her from all my social networking.  However, I feel like that's juvenile and I should try to keep contacting her and find out what the problem is.  On the other hand when you've been messaging someone for 2 months and not getting any response trying to contact turns into stalking.  Maybe it is time to just let go of another one. 

On the family side of things I've been spending most of my time with the only sister I can actually stand.  Which is funny because she's the only sister I've ever used the word "hate" about.  I don't think she's actively trying to help me but whether she knows it or not she really is.  She's been keeping me grounded and from completely breaking down.  I haven't had a panic attack in quite a few days, and she's been making me walk in the mornings with her and her dog.  I've already started feeling better about my body but I feel that I have a long way to go before I can really say I'm completely happy with my physique.  I'm just glad that in all the troubling time I'm going through I really have someone to lean on who isn't going to abandon when she decides I'm no longer good enough to be her friend.

Conventional Honesty

I know I'm not exactly the perfect friend. Not perfect by any stretch of the mind, but I try. I express concern, elation, or whatever emotion is warranted for any given moment. I present these emotions with the most sincerity I can express. As I said I'm not perfect, I do the wrong thing sometimes, I make bad choices and say things I probably shouldn't say, but I'm not actively trying to make the wrong choice, therefore I do try to rectify any wrong doing when presented to me.



Lately I have been going through a pretty rough time. My emotions are quite manic lately and hard to get me out of my emotional state. I've been sleeping more than I should and snapping at things I shouldn't be. Its difficult to act that way and feel that I'm doing it and knowing its wrong but still doing it. Thats all a part of being a manic depressive though, isn't it? On top of that my father was admitted into the hospital today with a broken hip. He's not exactly a spring chicken, he's well into his late 70's and very fraile. I fear we are close to the end of my father's life. Whether it be 2 weeks, or 2 years I just feel like its far to close. But, I digress. I feel in these times I need my best friend to be by my side or at least express some sort of regard for the goings on in my life. I know she is going through some stuff in her life and I have expressed concern for her, however I feel that I'm not getting that back. I know it sounds more like I'm bragging and making myself into some sort of saint but I promise I'm only saying this to make a point. I'm tired of giving and never getting anything back. I feel that she can put her problems aside for 5 minutes to as if I'm alright. Isn't that what friendship is about? Give and take, 50/50. Not I give, you take.



I do get concern in small doses from people who are not quite as close to me, not that their concern for my well-being or my father's means any less than my "best friend's" but lets face it, its not the same as when it comes from your best friend. It makes you feel closer to them, like you really have someone who cares about you. Well I don't.