Someone once told me "think before you act." With time I have become an over analyzer. I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation. I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt. I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me. Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome. I usually end up hurt anyway. So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.
I finally got what I've been waiting for. My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true. Like something is going to come and take it away. I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often. Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile. I just don't want him to change his mind. I feel weary. I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again. Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
If you really knew me, you would know ...
...There are so many things I wish I could say
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
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