Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.

Creativity

I long to be more creative.  I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to.  I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create.  Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping.  I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short.  Here is what I came up with.

Those are the best of what I got.  I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better.  I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end.  If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.

I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it.  Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write.  I feel like a small worm on a big hook.  My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem.  Easier said than done.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser.  I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.