Showing posts with label problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label problems. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Strange Changes
Right now my life is both bitter and sweet. Like most people I have good and bad things going on. I seem to focus far too much on the bad though. Its very difficult to focus on the good when you're depressed. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm cursed. I can't say nothing good ever happens to me but its a rare occasion. Things have changed quite a bit since April though. I've reconnected with an old friend, my family has become even more disfunct, and we sucked the poisonous people out of our lives. Everything else is pretty much the same. My husband is still suspicious of my every move, I'm still pretty much completely broke and my casual use of marijuana is coming dangerously close to becoming an addiction. I wonder if my husband would be so suspicious of me if he knew my sex drive is almost completely shot. I don't want to have sex with him let alone anyone else. All I want to do lately is lay around with my best friend and smoke pot. I try to rationalize it so that I don't get labeled an addict but how many weeks do I have to go without spending money all because I need to have weed before its considered a problem? I don't want to stop but I see exactly where this is going. The constant smoking started because I was bored all the time. It elevated when my father died and now it almost seems like I can't get out of bed unless weed is promised to me. I always thought addiction only happens when you do hard drugs and alcohol. No one would ever become addicted to bud. Its a harmless plant. I don't really think I'm addicted to reefer though, I'm addicted to the feeling. I'm addicted to the fact that it helps me sleep, keeps me calm and makes me happy. I feel like its no different than someone who takes xanax or ambien. I think smoking is better because its not a chemical reaction its natural. Just keep rationalizing like that and I'll never be considered an addict.
Friday, July 23, 2010
If you really knew me, you would know ...
...There are so many things I wish I could say
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
...Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
...I am completely paranoid that people are always saying bad things about me when I'm not listening
...I desperately want to be accepted
...I am afraid that I will not win this battle
...I still don't know who I am
...I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
...I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do. The bigger my smile, the worse my pain is
...My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
...Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
...Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
...I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
...Everyday I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
...I'm terrified of growing up and dealing with all the things I have to deal with
...No one could put me down worse than I do myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
...What I want right now more than anything is to love myself. If I had self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all stop.
...I really do care about him, more than he could even imagine
...Sometimes I cry when no one is around
...I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking the results
...I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/feminine in anyway
...I want to make a difference in the world, I just don't know how, and I'm scared to do it alone
...I am unable to see my potential
...I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
...I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
...As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
...I blame myself for being raped
...I make jokes about my family being dysfunctional but it really embarrasses me
...I long to have a close relationship with my family
...I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my husband
...I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
...I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
...I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
...I feel there's an empty hole inside me
...I hate being so emotional
...I feel like a complete failure and I refuse to pursue my dreams because I think I will fail
...I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
...I need help believing in myself
...Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an outsider
...I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
...I cannot fully trust anyone only because I know I am not fully trustworthy
...I always feel like a burden
...I'm afraid my husband will one day realize how much I do not deserve him and just give up on me
...I'm so sorry for all the times I lied
...I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show just how serious and deep I can be
...I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
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