Strange Changes

Right now my life is both bitter and sweet. Like most people I have good and bad things going on. I seem to focus far too much on the bad though. Its very difficult to focus on the good when you're depressed. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm cursed. I can't say nothing good ever happens to me but its a rare occasion. Things have changed quite a bit since April though. I've reconnected with an old friend, my family has become even more disfunct, and we sucked the poisonous people out of our lives. Everything else is pretty much the same. My husband is still suspicious of my every move, I'm still pretty much completely broke and my casual use of marijuana is coming dangerously close to becoming an addiction. I wonder if my husband would be so suspicious of me if he knew my sex drive is almost completely shot. I don't want to have sex with him let alone anyone else. All I want to do lately is lay around with my best friend and smoke pot. I try to rationalize it so that I don't get labeled an addict but how many weeks do I have to go without spending money all because I need to have weed before its considered a problem? I don't want to stop but I see exactly where this is going. The constant smoking started because I was bored all the time. It elevated when my father died and now it almost seems like I can't get out of bed unless weed is promised to me. I always thought addiction only happens when you do hard drugs and alcohol. No one would ever become addicted to bud.  Its a harmless plant.  I don't really think I'm addicted to reefer though, I'm addicted to the feeling. I'm addicted to the fact that it helps me sleep, keeps me calm and makes me happy. I feel like its no different than someone who takes xanax or ambien. I think smoking is better because its not a chemical reaction its natural. Just keep rationalizing like that and I'll never be considered an addict.

Just don't give a fuck

So once again I've opened up too soon and it came back to bite me in the ass.  I feel as though the only thing I can take away from this whole experience is to just become a complete bitch to everyone.  I'm always so concerned with people liking me, that was the old me.  The old me is gone with the wind.  I'm tired of getting hurt by people.  My nerves are frayed, my mind is blurred and I just cannot take it anymore.  I don't care who does or does not like me anymore.  From now on I'm going to tell people exactly how I feel whether it hurts their feelings or not.  People obviously don't care about hurting me, so why should I give a fuck about hurting them?  I was always so concerned with who is being fake to me and who isn't.  Well, if I'm completely closed off from people it won't matter who is being fake.  I know I've said I felt this way before but this time I've finally snapped.  The only people who deserve any respect from me are my husband and my family.  A few in particulars deserve a little more than others but that is my business to decide.

My brave face

Its been a very trying past few weeks.  The pontiac broke down, we had to buy a new car.  In the meantime directly after we already spent the money on a brand new car my husband's dad decided to get the pontiac fixed.  On the bright side: we now have 2 cars.  One the other hand: our insurance is going up and we have an expensive car to pay off.  We decided on a 2010 Toyota Carrolla.  She's beautiful and I named her Helena.  Its been slightly stressful trying to figure out the new budget and stick to it.  I just wish I could get my husband to understand we need to be sure to stick to this or we're gonna end up broke.  I also really need to step it up at work and make more sales.  I need to get my own business off the ground and get some out of store makeovers.  Its really the difference between $8 per makeover and $30 per makeover.  I just need to figure something out to get more money. 

Lately I've been very emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of being sad and trying to keep on a brave face.  My husband doesn't know how to control himself and is constantly falling to pieces so I have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I just want to be the designated basket case.  I don't think my husband picks up on it but my depression has gotten to the point where I really don't get out of bed unless its to go to work. I sleep because even if I'm having a nightmare its better than the reality of my life.  I barely eat and the house work has gone to hell.  I was feeling pretty manic a couple Saturdays ago so I put my energy to good use and cleaned the entire apartment.  It feels like every time I turn around something new crops up for me to be stressed out about.  I never really want to do anything but I push myself.  I feel like I need a hobby something more than makeup but I feel like if I put too much energy into something that isn't making money I'm just wasting my time.  I just need something to distract me.