Strange Changes

Right now my life is both bitter and sweet. Like most people I have good and bad things going on. I seem to focus far too much on the bad though. Its very difficult to focus on the good when you're depressed. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm cursed. I can't say nothing good ever happens to me but its a rare occasion. Things have changed quite a bit since April though. I've reconnected with an old friend, my family has become even more disfunct, and we sucked the poisonous people out of our lives. Everything else is pretty much the same. My husband is still suspicious of my every move, I'm still pretty much completely broke and my casual use of marijuana is coming dangerously close to becoming an addiction. I wonder if my husband would be so suspicious of me if he knew my sex drive is almost completely shot. I don't want to have sex with him let alone anyone else. All I want to do lately is lay around with my best friend and smoke pot. I try to rationalize it so that I don't get labeled an addict but how many weeks do I have to go without spending money all because I need to have weed before its considered a problem? I don't want to stop but I see exactly where this is going. The constant smoking started because I was bored all the time. It elevated when my father died and now it almost seems like I can't get out of bed unless weed is promised to me. I always thought addiction only happens when you do hard drugs and alcohol. No one would ever become addicted to bud.  Its a harmless plant.  I don't really think I'm addicted to reefer though, I'm addicted to the feeling. I'm addicted to the fact that it helps me sleep, keeps me calm and makes me happy. I feel like its no different than someone who takes xanax or ambien. I think smoking is better because its not a chemical reaction its natural. Just keep rationalizing like that and I'll never be considered an addict.

Epic Downturn

I sit here trying my hardest not to freak out but all I can think is my father is dead.  This man I actually have no biological connection to (I was adopted) and I don't exactly feel like we had too much of an emotional connection is dead.  Who was he really?  To me he was some guy who sculked around our house all down trodden and hated.  The poor man was stuck in a family of him and 5 woman all of whom he could not sleep with (so don't get any cheeky ideas that it was any fun for him.)  For as long as I can remember my mother despised my father.  She would talk down to him, and order him around.  Not like in an abusive way but a funny way that we all just accepted.  I just cannot fathom the idea of my parents ever being intimate enough to conceive a child let alone to continuously try enough to adopt 2 daughters and still try after that and successfully conceive 2 of their own flesh and blood daughters.  Ick.  Anyway ...I just never felt very close to him.  I can't say I don't know him because I know his likes and dislikes.  I know his bathing habits, but I don't know him.  I always felt like that was normal, but I'm realizing its not.  I'm becoming increasingly more aware about how disfunct my family is.  At this point disfuntion is the new normal but I always felt that since my parents never got divorced we were 1 of very few unbroken homes which made us better than most.  We are not.  We are just as crazy and disfuntional as any middle class family in a small city can be. 

Looking Forward

So far 2011 has really been very good to me.  I'm loving the direction my life is headed and hope it continues on this path for a very long time.  I never usually have anything to look forward to in a new year but this year something changed.  It was like midnight turned to 2011 and all was well.  I know there are a few things I have to deal with that will make my path a bit bumpy but I will gladly go through whatever I must in order to reap my rewards.  Here is a list I've made of things I have to look forward to in 2011:

1.  Scream Out Loud Media:  A work friend approached me a few weeks ago and asked how I would feel about writing for a music blog.  She is a photographer and wanted to create a site where we can post photos and interviews from various shows in our area.  I've already interviewed a few bands and I cannot wait to see where this brings me in the future.

2. Relationships (old & new):  I recently became very close friends with someone who was always there but I was blinded by other people's nasty words about him.  I've realized I need to form my own opinions about people and hope that moving forward I can make many more friends.  I've also made a few friends at work that I'm pretty excited about.

3. Going Out with Said friends:  Self explainatory.

4. Becoming Healthier:  I've been trying for a long time to lose weight and be more healthy.  I always fall off the wagon far too soon.  This time I've gotten myself 20 lbs away from my goal weight.  I just have to start going to the gym more often.

Just don't give a fuck

So once again I've opened up too soon and it came back to bite me in the ass.  I feel as though the only thing I can take away from this whole experience is to just become a complete bitch to everyone.  I'm always so concerned with people liking me, that was the old me.  The old me is gone with the wind.  I'm tired of getting hurt by people.  My nerves are frayed, my mind is blurred and I just cannot take it anymore.  I don't care who does or does not like me anymore.  From now on I'm going to tell people exactly how I feel whether it hurts their feelings or not.  People obviously don't care about hurting me, so why should I give a fuck about hurting them?  I was always so concerned with who is being fake to me and who isn't.  Well, if I'm completely closed off from people it won't matter who is being fake.  I know I've said I felt this way before but this time I've finally snapped.  The only people who deserve any respect from me are my husband and my family.  A few in particulars deserve a little more than others but that is my business to decide.

Over Analyzed

Someone once told me "think before you act."  With time I have become an over analyzer.  I always think too much about every possible outcome to every situation.  I'm forever looking for the clearest point so I don't get hurt.  I think I need to just make choices and see where they take me.  Even when I think about things I never prepare myself for the actual outcome.  I usually end up hurt anyway.  So I waste time to not even prepare myself for what really happens.

I finally got what I've been waiting for.  My friends are looking to reconcile and I couldn't be happier but I feel like its too good to be true.  Like something is going to come and take it away.  I've already reconciled with my best straight friend, and I just wish he would connect with me more often.  Now my other friend who I hadn't talked to in 2 years, who is by far the closest friend I have ever had, wants to reconcile.  I just don't want him to change his mind.  I feel weary.  I don't feel like he wants to intentionally hurt me, I don't even think he has it in his mind to turn this but I feel like its just going to change the moment I get happy again.  Consider situation over analyzed and now I'm just gonna take the plunge.

Rollercoaster

My husband has decided to reconcile with his old friend that he has not spoken to in about a year.  I also decided its no fun to hold on to old grudges over petty little things.  To be honest I don't think I can really remember why we have not spoken with him in a year.  I feel that it should be on a probationary period, I still don't like to be made a fool of.  I'm hoping this doesn't prove to be just a lateral move.  We went to a party at his and his girlfriend's apartment and had a pretty good time.  I quite like her, she's a sweet girl.  I'm reminding myself to keep a distance because we don't plan to stay in Rome much longer so there really is no point in getting all worked up over nothing.  We've also seen where this has lead to before with my husband's friends' girlfriends.  I'm not in the mood to be let down by anyone at this point.  I guess the best thing for me to do is keep my distance and just see what happens.  I think sometimes I really overthink things and don't just let them happen. 

My brave face

Its been a very trying past few weeks.  The pontiac broke down, we had to buy a new car.  In the meantime directly after we already spent the money on a brand new car my husband's dad decided to get the pontiac fixed.  On the bright side: we now have 2 cars.  One the other hand: our insurance is going up and we have an expensive car to pay off.  We decided on a 2010 Toyota Carrolla.  She's beautiful and I named her Helena.  Its been slightly stressful trying to figure out the new budget and stick to it.  I just wish I could get my husband to understand we need to be sure to stick to this or we're gonna end up broke.  I also really need to step it up at work and make more sales.  I need to get my own business off the ground and get some out of store makeovers.  Its really the difference between $8 per makeover and $30 per makeover.  I just need to figure something out to get more money. 

Lately I've been very emotionally exhausted.  I'm tired of being sad and trying to keep on a brave face.  My husband doesn't know how to control himself and is constantly falling to pieces so I have to be the strong one.  Sometimes I just want to be the designated basket case.  I don't think my husband picks up on it but my depression has gotten to the point where I really don't get out of bed unless its to go to work. I sleep because even if I'm having a nightmare its better than the reality of my life.  I barely eat and the house work has gone to hell.  I was feeling pretty manic a couple Saturdays ago so I put my energy to good use and cleaned the entire apartment.  It feels like every time I turn around something new crops up for me to be stressed out about.  I never really want to do anything but I push myself.  I feel like I need a hobby something more than makeup but I feel like if I put too much energy into something that isn't making money I'm just wasting my time.  I just need something to distract me. 

Mistakes Made, Never Forgotten

Its funny how one mistake can change your life forever.  One simple little action without thought can strip you of everything you hold dear.  I so badly want my old life back.  The fun times, the companionship.  I really miss everyone and everything.  My time and energy has been so wasted these past months because of how much I focus on the sadness.  I still don't even feel like the time has passed. The worst part is its not just one stupid mistake.  It was a bunch of mistakes leading up to one very big one.  I used to spend a lot of time treating people very badly and not thinking before reacting.  I kept getting away with it because it was such small petty stuff people just over looked it and forgave me.  Finally I just couldn't get away with it anymore.  I feel at this point even if they did somehow find a way to forgive me, it won't ever be forgotten.  Sometimes I loathe social networking because there are some of my old friends who my stupidness didn't affect however, because they are so much closer with those it did I barely talk to them.  I still cannot find it in me to delete them from my life.  My hope for friendship renewal is fading with every passing day, I'm getting older and its getting harder to find friends who aren't married or have kids.  Not that if I did find new friends I would miss my old friends any less.  They were a huge part of my life and always will be.

Being forgotten by someone I'll never forget

Lately I've been very emotional.  I've really been missing my former bff.  We had a really tough parting of the ways a little over 2 years ago.  I made a huge mistake, took too long and now I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I really want to make things right, but I just don't know what to do and feel like he just doesn't care to make things better between us.  We got together last November and agreed that we're ok with eachother but never really came to a full conclusion.  I feel like at this point I either need to move on or completely reconcile.  I don't want to be bitter towards him or anything but I feel like any time he messages me just to ask me some stupid question its like heartbreaking to know I'm not going to be hanging out with him.  I really wish I had someone to talk to about this.  My husband is too busy playing video games, besides the fact that he's been hearing the same story for the past year and a half.  All my new friends are too new to open up to like that, and my family just doesn't get it.  I miss having him there on holidays, and just being there with me all the time.  We literally went from pretty much being together everyday to a screeching halt and not even talking for almost 2 years.  I think I've just spent too much time and too many tears on this and it needs to come to a head.  I just want closure.

Letting Out My Demons

Today was a slightly emotional day.  The husband's birthday was today and I had to work so I was already slightly unhappy.  I wanted to spend time with him but he wound up spending his birthday bringing his car to Pepboys and walking to the mall.  We had a nice lunch together but I wish I could have made it a special day for him.  We planned on going to a water park some time this week but the weather where we live is super unpredictable and its tough to plan something like this.  I asked my two older nieces to come along with us and at first they were ok with coming but since the plans changed so many times they decided to back out from going.  A misunderstanding happened and I felt as though they just didn't want to go, and blah blah.  I still feel that way a bit however, I have to remember that teenagers have lives beyond family. 

It seems strange but the new episode of Holly's World tugged a little on my heart.  Last year I had a very special birthday party planned, not that it was a particularly special birthday for me it was just timing.  My mother gets free nights at the local casino/hotel and at the time they allowed you to bring your own alcohol into the building.  So we planned something big.  I invited my best friend but she used her 1 year old child as an excuse to not come.  I was watching Holly's World and Angel left her son for a few days to get a breast augmentation.  It just aggravates me that my "best friend" could say its because of her child that she couldn't be there for me for 1 night on the single most important day of the year but this girl can leave her child for a few day for something as frivolous as a boob job. 

I guess it wasn't too much to complain about I mean if this is the worst of my troubles I guess I have a pretty good life, but I just needed to get things off my chest.  I can't stand it when my thoughts keep me from sleep.