Estranged

Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network.  I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy.  I walked in and everything was business as usual.  I figured he was talking to one of the regulars.  Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog.  I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much.  I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance.  This person hurt me very deeply.  I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.)  Instead of defending me he rolled over.  If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face.  Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend.  I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious.  I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away.  Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me.  WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it.  It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel.  I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it.  I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to.  I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me.  Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger.  I crave that feeling of closeness.  Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind.  Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok. 

Creativity

I long to be more creative.  I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to.  I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create.  Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping.  I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short.  Here is what I came up with.

Those are the best of what I got.  I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better.  I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end.  If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.

I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it.  Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write.  I feel like a small worm on a big hook.  My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem.  Easier said than done.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser.  I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.

Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?

I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange.  I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice.  It told me to look for a specific person.   I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me.  I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried.  I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone.  I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it.  That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason.  When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside.  I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in.  I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins. 

Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins.  I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found.  Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death.  When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried. 

This very much fits my current situations.  The depression is very obvious.  I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job.  I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time.  The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove.  However, there has not been any closure on either situation.  All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends.  Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed.  I also feel this way about another of my friends.  He moved to NC with his "fiance."  Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him.  Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them.  He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them.  This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day.  I still remember the first day I met her.  She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory.  Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way.  Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now?  Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore.  We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network.  Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts.  Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble.  I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there.  I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did.  Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being.  I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better.  Hopefully these dreams will not continue.

Gossip Mill

The husband came home from work yesterday with a very sly grin on his face.  I asked him what his deal was and he replied "I know something you don't know."  I was to say the least quite intrigued by what info he may have.  He told me that my now former best friend and her boyfriend have broken up.  I'm not exactly happy it happened, but I do feel that she had this coming.  I don't think this has anything to do with why I have not heard from her since this is a recent development, so I really hope she doesn't think I'll feel sorry for her.  I have spent far too much of my time worrying about why she won't call, txt, or BBM me.  She's made her bed, and now she has to lay in it.  I'm becoming increasingly happy with where my life is headed.  If I could just find a job. 

On to politics.  Our great nation has finally received a health care reform.  I know, its not perfect and it will not fix everything but I feel positive about how this will affect all of us.  There will be an emphasis on physical, mental and female health.  It also widens the range of patients that the government can provide healthcare to.  Another good point is that there will be a new tax credit for small business employers who provide healthcare, which creates an incentive.  I really don't know exactly what my in-laws are so against. 

Question: why is there so much emphasis on the census this year?  Do we really have to fill it out?  What would happen if I don't answer correctly or honestly? Will the feds be after me?

Hint Taken

I finally decided to take the advice of those around me.  I have assessed my life and decided to remove those who I have tried to contact but refuse to contact me back.  I am not going to sit here and wait for those people to come around.  Obviously they no longer want me as part of their lives, so why should I worry about them?  Don't get me wrong, it took me some time to come to terms with having to do it, and it hurts to let go of more people, but I felt that it had to be done. 

Untitled Blog Updating You About Me

Lately I've not gotten any responses from my "best friend."  I'm not sure what exactly is going on and I suspect that everything is not ok between us.  I wouldn't know because as I stated I don't get responses.  When something seems amiss with this friend I usually get excuses.  I'm sure that when I finally do get an answer its going to be something along the lines of "school" or "work."  If the reality is what I'm suspecting it is then I would hope she would not even attempt to insult my intelligence.  I hope she will just nut up and tell me what's really going on.  If our friendship is over then I will be hurt because while it lasted it was a pretty good one, but at least I'll know exactly what the problem is and I can have closure on the situation.  The husband tells me it seems as though she's cutting me out, and I should take it one step further and cut her out by deleting her from all my social networking.  However, I feel like that's juvenile and I should try to keep contacting her and find out what the problem is.  On the other hand when you've been messaging someone for 2 months and not getting any response trying to contact turns into stalking.  Maybe it is time to just let go of another one. 

On the family side of things I've been spending most of my time with the only sister I can actually stand.  Which is funny because she's the only sister I've ever used the word "hate" about.  I don't think she's actively trying to help me but whether she knows it or not she really is.  She's been keeping me grounded and from completely breaking down.  I haven't had a panic attack in quite a few days, and she's been making me walk in the mornings with her and her dog.  I've already started feeling better about my body but I feel that I have a long way to go before I can really say I'm completely happy with my physique.  I'm just glad that in all the troubling time I'm going through I really have someone to lean on who isn't going to abandon when she decides I'm no longer good enough to be her friend.

Loose-Knit Family

I feel like my father breaking his hip was a blessing in disguise.  Ever since the day he went into the hospital my family and I have been spending more and more time together.  I feel as though we're all in a pretty good place with eachother.  Don't get me wrong, there is still the occasional "she said/that bitch said" situation but its a little more quietly taken care of than it used to be.  I've always felt a certain distance between my family.  I guess the generation gaps between my sisters and I don't exactly help with that.  I was what most people call a change of life baby.  I don't like to be refered to as an accident, or surprise.  I was adopted.  No, I was not planned on either end of it, I just hate both of those words.  Two of my sisters were planned adoption, and the other two were planned pregnancy.  I always felt a slight bit as though I was an obligation.  I was taken from a bad situation and brought into a good family with a mother and father and four sisters.  The picture perfect family.  (Funny how we don't have even one family portrait.)  I don't think my teenage rebellion years were the best remedy either.  I went through the "goth" phase, and decided my friends were more important to be around (look where that got me.)  I felt that my family was pushy and overbearing.  I never wanted to have anything to do with them so I would smear on black lipstick and run out of the house before anyone could say anything to me.  I know the exact day that changed.  It was my oldest sister's birthday and I came home from a morning coffee run with my friends.  I had to be home, it was one of the few reasons I felt that I did.  I said in my usual holier than thou tone "I can only stay for a while, my friends are waiting for me at Harley's house."  My mother said "whatever" and walked away.  For the first time I felt like my family didn't care what I did, and the strange thing was it hurt.  I didn't understand the feeling so I just left.  Slowly after that incident I started coming around more often and trying to get closer with my family.  The final straw was when I met my husband.  My whole family agrees that he brings the best out of me.  I still don't feel like I've really accomplished much, but the prediction my family had for me was that I was going to die at a young age in a dirty bathtub with a needle in my arm (not that I ever did those kind of drugs, but my family didn't know me very well.)  I guess I'm doing much better than they [and I] thought I would be.  Thriving and actually able to pay my own bills. 

Just recently my parents' 50th anniversary passed and I spent a good portion of the day shopping for a gift and laughing with my second oldest sister.  A very unlikely scenario had this been a year ago or even 3 months ago.  It felt good.  So this brings me to my question ...why am I so depressed?

Growing Strange

This is a story I heard in Wristcutters: A Love Story.  I felt it was worth sharing. 

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree.  They grew next to each other.  Everyday the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say "You're crooked!  You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked!"  "Look at me!  Look at me!" said the straight tree.  "I'm tall and I'm straight!"  Then one day the lumber jacks came into town, they looked around and the manager in charge said "Cut down all the straight trees!"  And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.

Family Values

Visiting my dad in the nursing home is always a learning experience.  Last night after our visit I decided to go to dinner with my sister and mother.  We were ribbing my mother about how she's been acting since our father broke his hip.  She's been attentive and just completely unlike herself.  Growing up I always thought my parents hated eachother and could never for the life of me understand why they would stay married, however I did revel in the fact that I was the only person among my friends who's parents were still married.  I learned about divorce at a very young age and just wondered why other people would do that, why not do what my parents did?  Separate beds sounded like a great idea.  Then the separate bedroom thing happened and I wondered why my parents didn't just follow the rest of the world and get divorced.  I decided to embrace the quirk in my family and make jokes about it.  Meanwhile the rest of my family was keeping secrets from me.  Since I was so much younger than the rest of my sisters I was a little slow on the uptake when it came to just about anything.  People would always stop talking when I came in the room or speak in hushed tones.  Sometimes I picked up on things, mostly dirty jokes, sometimes I was too involved with my barbie dolls to care about whatever the secret was.  Now that I'm grown people are becoming more bold about talking about things in front of me.  The problem is not only am I in the know about the present but a multitude of secrets are being let loose.  It is becoming a lot to take in and not helping with my depression and anxiety. 

I'm not actively trying to be morbid but seeing my father in a nursing home and the recent loss of my mother's sister is constantly making me think of death.  All I think of is how in my aunt's obituary it states how she was so in love with her husband and how they had such a great relationship.  What are my sisters and I supposed to submit to our local newspaper about our parents?  "After a long bitter life together we're sure they're happy to be dead."  I used to think my family was quirky and funny and semi-normal but the more I look around the more secrets I uncover and realize how screwed up we are.

Same Sad Story

Once again this is a blog about how sad I am.  Let me whine just a bit about how unhappy I am with my life.  I keep applying for jobs, but I find nothing.  I get rejection after rejection.  I'm trying to get into cosmetology school but no one will give me a break and loan me the money I need.  VESID and RCIL were completely unhelpful, and BOCES can only offer me a payment plan.  I cannot take a payment plan if I don't have money in the first place.  I keep watching these fools on Shear Genius and can't help think even as an unseasoned hairstylist I could do better!  On the other hand I'm trying to write but not only does everything I write not seem good enough but even if I did write something semi-interesting I have no idea about how to go about getting published.  All I keep thinking is if the people around here don't even like me how can I get people around the world to like me?

I feel like I'm failing.  I keep disappointing my husband, he keeps getting more and more frustrated with me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave because its getting to be too much.  I'm already depressed and anxious enough and then I can feel his negative energy bearing down on me.  I need a break from someone somewhere so that I can get into what I need.