Estranged

Recently I woke from a nap and heard the husband in the other room talking to someone on the PS3 network.  I had to use the bathroom so after that I decided to check out the scene, and be nosy.  I walked in and everything was business as usual.  I figured he was talking to one of the regulars.  Alas, to my surprise he was chatting it up with he who dumped me as a friend as noted in a previous blog.  I got upset, and sometimes I can control it, but this was just too much.  I'm really not one to tell my husband who to and not to be friends with but this proved to be a special circumstance.  This person hurt me very deeply.  I understand that the photos his fiance found may have hurt her, but that was back in November and the pix were from 10th grade! (No I will not let this go until she does.)  Instead of defending me he rolled over.  If I were in his shoes and my husband gave me an ultimatum I would have scoffed in his face.  Pretty much any friend I had with the exception of one have been around long before my husband came around, therefore resulting me in not choosing and telling him to shut up, or choosing the friend.  I'm not going to choose my husband over a friend, nor vice versa unless it really comes down to something serious.  I felt like dirt when he just stopped contacting me, as if it weren't enough that he moved almost 900 miles away.  Anyway, I got all in a tizzy about this little crime I was witnessing and my husband could not understand for the life of him why it bothered me.  WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME?! Did he really ask that question?? I couldn't believe it.  It only further proves my point that no one understands how I feel.  I can scream and cry and whine and complain but still no one gets it.  I have no one to turn to and these past couple months when I needed someone most, there was no one to turn to.  I have had plenty of acquaintances but no one who is really there for me.  Even my husband feels a bit like a stranger.  I crave that feeling of closeness.  Someone who understands me, and can almost read my mind.  Someone who understands how lonely I truely am and will tell me its all going to be ok. 

Creativity

I long to be more creative.  I have a ton of creative ideas in my head but everytime I try to put them out there it never comes out how I want it to.  I feel like I don't have the money to obtain the necessary tools I need to create.  Recently I went to Chittenango Falls and took some pictures, but my camera is so inadequate that the pictures did not come out how I was hoping.  I decided to adjust some of them to make them a little more artistic but they fell a little short.  Here is what I came up with.

Those are the best of what I got.  I'm pretty proud of what I've done but feel like they could have been better.  I'm always trying to make the photos I take look better, but I always feel the same in the end.  If I do more it won't look good, but it could be better if I had more suitable equipment.

I've been told by numorous family members that my writing is good, but I feel like they don't get it.  Yes, my writing is good for blogger, but I dare not try to publish anything I write.  I feel like a small worm on a big hook.  My cousin tells me I need to get a little self-esteem.  Easier said than done.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and not feel like a loser.  I don't think years of disfunction just goes away, although if you know of a way please, let me know.

Hey, Nightmare, where'd you get them teeth?

I had a dream last night that can only be described as extremely strange.  I dreamt that I was being led to a cemetery by a disembodied voice.  It told me to look for a specific person.   I walked into the cemetery and went where the voice told me.  I never did find her or her grave site. I saw a row of coffins all covered in dirt but not quite buried.  I got startled and fell backward. I struck my head on a tombstone.  I turned to look at it and it had the name "Jason" on it.  That is not who I was looking for, and I only really know one Jason.  When I looked back one of the coffins opened and there was a decomposed body inside.  I was trying to find a way out of the cemetery but could not find where I came in.  I just kept seeing rows and rows of dug up coffins. 

Obviously what stuck out most to me was the coffins.  I looked up coffins in dreams to see what this would mean and this is what I found.  Coffins may signify your thoughts and fears about death.  When you see a body in a coffin it signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship. Coffins can also represent ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried. 

This very much fits my current situations.  The depression is very obvious.  I've been depressed about losing 2 more friends, my weight gain, my family, and not being able to find a job.  I do very much feel a lack of personal freedom. Everything I do lately is on other people's time.  The dead/decaying situation is my former friends who I just decided to finally remove.  However, there has not been any closure on either situation.  All that has happened is I've deleted her from my BBM contacts list and also my facebook friends.  Either she has yet to take notice of these changes or she has decided to completely ignore them. I would love to be able to say it doesn't bother me and I'm trying not to let it, however, it feels awful that someone could just forget me like that and go about their business as if I never existed.  I also feel this way about another of my friends.  He moved to NC with his "fiance."  Everything was fine for a while, he was even supposed to come visit for a day or 2 back in November but I never heard back from him.  Come to find out his fiance found some old photos on his computer from highschool and she got pissed that he never deleted them.  He swore up and down that he forgot he even had them.  This girl has been jealous of our friendship from the very first day.  I still remember the first day I met her.  She kept sitting in his lap and kissing him like she was marking her territory.  Dumb cow didn't even stop to think I might not even care for him that way.  Obviously we didn't work out back in highschool why would it be different now?  Anyway ...when she found the photos she forbid him to contact me anymore.  We still kept in touch via email, and PS3 network.  Then one day I made the mistake of commenting on one of his facebook posts.  Needless to say she saw it and as far as I can tell he got into major trouble.  I then emailed him and apologized that I was the cause of so much of his grief and we should probably just end it there.  I didn't expect that he would let it go that easily, but he did.  Now all I want to do is hop on an airplane to NC get to their house, knock on the door and when she answers wag my finger in her face and tell her how horrible I think she is being.  I made mistakes in my life, and I'm trying to change myself for the better.  Hopefully these dreams will not continue.