Family Values

Visiting my dad in the nursing home is always a learning experience.  Last night after our visit I decided to go to dinner with my sister and mother.  We were ribbing my mother about how she's been acting since our father broke his hip.  She's been attentive and just completely unlike herself.  Growing up I always thought my parents hated eachother and could never for the life of me understand why they would stay married, however I did revel in the fact that I was the only person among my friends who's parents were still married.  I learned about divorce at a very young age and just wondered why other people would do that, why not do what my parents did?  Separate beds sounded like a great idea.  Then the separate bedroom thing happened and I wondered why my parents didn't just follow the rest of the world and get divorced.  I decided to embrace the quirk in my family and make jokes about it.  Meanwhile the rest of my family was keeping secrets from me.  Since I was so much younger than the rest of my sisters I was a little slow on the uptake when it came to just about anything.  People would always stop talking when I came in the room or speak in hushed tones.  Sometimes I picked up on things, mostly dirty jokes, sometimes I was too involved with my barbie dolls to care about whatever the secret was.  Now that I'm grown people are becoming more bold about talking about things in front of me.  The problem is not only am I in the know about the present but a multitude of secrets are being let loose.  It is becoming a lot to take in and not helping with my depression and anxiety. 

I'm not actively trying to be morbid but seeing my father in a nursing home and the recent loss of my mother's sister is constantly making me think of death.  All I think of is how in my aunt's obituary it states how she was so in love with her husband and how they had such a great relationship.  What are my sisters and I supposed to submit to our local newspaper about our parents?  "After a long bitter life together we're sure they're happy to be dead."  I used to think my family was quirky and funny and semi-normal but the more I look around the more secrets I uncover and realize how screwed up we are.

Same Sad Story

Once again this is a blog about how sad I am.  Let me whine just a bit about how unhappy I am with my life.  I keep applying for jobs, but I find nothing.  I get rejection after rejection.  I'm trying to get into cosmetology school but no one will give me a break and loan me the money I need.  VESID and RCIL were completely unhelpful, and BOCES can only offer me a payment plan.  I cannot take a payment plan if I don't have money in the first place.  I keep watching these fools on Shear Genius and can't help think even as an unseasoned hairstylist I could do better!  On the other hand I'm trying to write but not only does everything I write not seem good enough but even if I did write something semi-interesting I have no idea about how to go about getting published.  All I keep thinking is if the people around here don't even like me how can I get people around the world to like me?

I feel like I'm failing.  I keep disappointing my husband, he keeps getting more and more frustrated with me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave because its getting to be too much.  I'm already depressed and anxious enough and then I can feel his negative energy bearing down on me.  I need a break from someone somewhere so that I can get into what I need. 

Dream Sequence

Last night in my dream I said something that stuck with me. I wonder what it means.

" Please excuse me if I don't buy it when you say 'I love you.' You have poison on your tongue and spiders in the palms of your hands. "

Conventional Honesty

I know I'm not exactly the perfect friend. Not perfect by any stretch of the mind, but I try. I express concern, elation, or whatever emotion is warranted for any given moment. I present these emotions with the most sincerity I can express. As I said I'm not perfect, I do the wrong thing sometimes, I make bad choices and say things I probably shouldn't say, but I'm not actively trying to make the wrong choice, therefore I do try to rectify any wrong doing when presented to me.



Lately I have been going through a pretty rough time. My emotions are quite manic lately and hard to get me out of my emotional state. I've been sleeping more than I should and snapping at things I shouldn't be. Its difficult to act that way and feel that I'm doing it and knowing its wrong but still doing it. Thats all a part of being a manic depressive though, isn't it? On top of that my father was admitted into the hospital today with a broken hip. He's not exactly a spring chicken, he's well into his late 70's and very fraile. I fear we are close to the end of my father's life. Whether it be 2 weeks, or 2 years I just feel like its far to close. But, I digress. I feel in these times I need my best friend to be by my side or at least express some sort of regard for the goings on in my life. I know she is going through some stuff in her life and I have expressed concern for her, however I feel that I'm not getting that back. I know it sounds more like I'm bragging and making myself into some sort of saint but I promise I'm only saying this to make a point. I'm tired of giving and never getting anything back. I feel that she can put her problems aside for 5 minutes to as if I'm alright. Isn't that what friendship is about? Give and take, 50/50. Not I give, you take.



I do get concern in small doses from people who are not quite as close to me, not that their concern for my well-being or my father's means any less than my "best friend's" but lets face it, its not the same as when it comes from your best friend. It makes you feel closer to them, like you really have someone who cares about you. Well I don't.

Perfectly Lonely

Time goes by quickly. It really does and there is nothing you can do about it. I feel like for the past year or so I've been slipping closer and closer to insanity. I've been crying, nay screaming for help but no one is there when I turn around. I'm surrounded by people who hear what I'm saying but never really listen to my words. I feel as though I used to be on top of the world but now I just carry the weight of it on my shoulders.

People always say "its about the quality not the quantity." They say it about everything, belongings, and friends. I've taken a good look around and I don't have much of anything. The quality isn't so great either. Does this make me a poor person?

Chemical Talent

I recently read in Rolling Stone magazine that Activision has confirmed that Kurt Cobain will be a playable character in the new Guitar Hero game. Shame on them! Not only is it generally in poor taste that you can play as him but that you can have him play other songs. I can only stand to think Mr. Cobain is rolling over in his grave. His widow on the other hand has cleverly flip flopped on her feelings about this. Tim Riley, Vice President of Music Affairs for Activision has stated that Love had signed off on this idea and gave Activision the green light to use Cobain's image. Of course she made sure she had her coke covered hand in all of the "creative" process. Maybe Tim Riley didn't say it in so many words, but it is certainly said she helped in creation of the facsimile of Cobain by providing them with photos and videos. Also she hand picked the look of the avatar's hair and clothes. However she has now gone on twitter to state that she never signed off on the avatar and called it "necropheliac." (Someone get this woman a dictionary, PLEASE!) She tried to blame Dave Grohl for this and said he is a "bad seed." This just made me laugh. Dave Grohl on the other hand released a statement saying that he was aware of Kurt's image being used in the game but did not know it was an un-lockable character and could be used with any kind of song the player wants. He asked that Activision do the right thing and re-lock the character.

If Kurt Cobain were alive today do you really think he would ever have even allowed Activision to use his image at all, let alone songs? I don't believe that Cobain would even like the game nor allow them to use his image. Maybe I'm just being redundant but these people are fucking with a dead man's livelihood. In his life Cobain strived to separate himself from conformity and already felt that he was misunderstood, do we really want to do this in his memory? I'm curious about how other people feel about this, please give me your thoughts.

Technical Curiosity

So, I was making sure my husband's alarm was set since he fell asleep early tonight. I know it was wrong to do but I got slightly curious. I checked out his text messages. I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to so I really don't know what made me feel the need to do this. However, I did find a very surprising conversation.

My husband has been talking with an old friend of mine who I no longer talk to for reasons that have blurred over time. I don't know what possessed him to do this but I feel as though this is something that might have been going on for a while. I did get answers to questions that had been buring inside my brain for a while.

Its very difficult for me to open up to people regarding my feels for them unless I know they feel the same way. This prevented me from calling him a long time ago. That and the fact that I was told to never call him again. I know he probably said this out of anger but he is as unpredicable as the wind. I never really knew how to read him. I don't know if it was just his personality or if I was just a bad friend.

I look back on my past and really feel as though I was not a good friend to a good majority of people. I never really listened to what people said, and was quick to drop someone for any given reason. I've been given many undeserved chances, and I've learned to appreciate the people around me. Which brings me to my biggest fear regarding these conversations with my old friend. I'm nervous that my husband will talk him into contacting me again and I've changed quite a bit, and I'm sure that after a year my old friend has as well. I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. I remember things a certain way and I don't do well with abrupt change. Also I'm not sure I'm up for talking about the reason why we stopped talking in the first place. It was a bad time, and the situation was quite embarrassing for me. I'm really torn about this now, and don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Death of a Disco Dancer

I know this is an old subject at this point but this is in my private journal and would like to share it with the world. A billion talking points just sprang to mind when thinking about the situation of Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein's death. (I admit I have been trolling alot of message boards lately.) I will offer the abridged and condensed: we mourn the death of a loved deceased person, but we attempt to celebrate the life of a talented deceased person. Something wrong with Humans, Version 2.0.0.9, that puts us on the grief train five times a day. I predict (long-standing) that in 10 years obituaries of actors, reality TV stars and Mousketeers will consume all other news unless priorities are set straight - a practical problem spun from an emotional problem. Goldstein's death will be wasted as a message because (short of a scholarship or treatment fund) I assume no single person will take effective action against drug abuse/addiction as a result. Just one more Hollywood burnout, one more person who makes Keith Richards look even more supernatural in comparison. And though empathy is surely a great human asset (FUCK YOU, ROBOTS!), actual care and thought is best spent on things of a tangible nature. The best example I can come up with is Britney Spears. Britney is someone's mother. Two someones, actually. If my mom was a fuckup in her 20's, I'd be aghast if others found her potential demise salivating. Not that anyone is responsible for Britney except for Britney herself, but her untimely death would be another triumph of a celebrity machine that constantly gets away with that shit. I find it all very horrifying.

Pinata Knife Surprise

I'm just a lonely girl, looking for someplace to keep my thoughts. I started my first blog when I was about 15 years old or so, and now I'm 24. Things have changed but it seems like the drama is all still the same. Now I'm married, no children yet. I have all different friends, but in many ways not much has changed.

I'm still the same lonely, insecure little girl I always was. Just an empty cliche. I don't see a difference in myself at all. I try to think I've changed since I was 15. How could someone not change in 9 years? Although, here I sit thinking back on all the mistakes I never learned from, how I always tried so hard to fit in but never really felt comfortable where I was. Was never happy with how things were. I've always been looking for that bigger better deal, not that I know what it is. I look at all my old friends making names for themselves in the world, and here I sit a nameless girl in a brokedown city. If you're reading this you probably have no clue who I am and probably stumbled on this diary as an act of fate. Maybe you need me, maybe I need you. Who knows? Maybe thats just me hoping upon hope that in some way I have a greater purpose in life. Either way odds are you'll never see my name on a billboard, or in lights. I used to dream of being a huge star on broadway but I never really got the ambition to do anything that would get me there. To answer your question yes, you are reading the diary entry of a bored, lazy person.

I overthink things all the time. I always think about how my life could be different. What steps could I have taken to change myself? What if I just stopped blaming the world around me for how bad my life is and just did something about it? I guess thats why they say in life there will always be more questions than answers. I know what you're thinking: "Who says that!?" I guess I do, I don't really know anyone else personally who does. Just myself.